The Sexual Education Blues
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Chapter Eight: Jane and Roger
The best way to describe the emotional states of both Jane and Roger is to use the word "rattled". Both had watched as potential partners had paired up and left the room. Both had yearned to be partnered with each other, on the one hand. On the other, both were terrified that they would end up together. Roger felt almost sick at his stomach, because he knew that spending time with this beautiful young woman would result in feelings he didn't know how to deal with. Jane felt exactly the same way.
When, at last, they were alone, neither looked at the other with more than quick glances.
"Well," said Roger, finally.
"Yes." Jane's voice was weak.
"I guess we kind of got paired up ... again," said Roger, remembering how she looked in her yellow bikini.
"Yes." Her voice wasn't any stronger.
"If you don't want to be with me, I'll understand," said Roger painfully.
"No!" she blurted, and then blushed. "I mean ... it's fine."
Now he did look at her. "Why is this so hard?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said softly.
"There has to be a reason," he said. "We're both adults. We both teach. This should be easy."
"I know," she agreed. "But it's not."
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't KNOW!" she barked, looking uncomfortable.
"I think I do," he said.
She turned to look at him. The question in her eyes was obvious.
Roger felt like the world was about to tear apart as he decided to say what was on his mind. Wasn't that what Bob had said to do? She might run screaming from the room, but maybe that wouldn't be so terrible. At least it would be over, and this tension would break. He took a deep breath.
"I think we're attracted to each other," he said softly.
The look on her face was priceless. First there was shock, followed closely by a look of surprise, and then she slumped, looked for a chair and sat down heavily.
Roger stood there, waiting. He couldn't tell how she felt. She hadn't run screaming from the room, but that didn't mean she agreed with him.
Now it was Jane's world that felt like something must explode any second, and fly into pieces that would wreck everything. How could she admit to him that he fueled her fantasy? DID he fuel her fantasy? She knew she was attracted to him. His calm announcement of that fact had surprised her, but only because he appeared to know it. She HAD almost thrown herself at him, in the sauna, but he had just admitted that he was attracted to her too! She had no idea what to do or say. He was just standing there, waiting for her to do something. She felt panic in her belly. If she just told him about her father, maybe he'd be horrified and leave. The thought of that tore at her innards ... but SOMETHING had to happen or she'd go stark, raving mad!
His voice startled her so much that she jumped when he said: "Maybe we could talk about that?"
She looked up at him, and her eyes went to the gray wings on the side of his head. He was attracted to her. She felt her body almost bulge with the tension. When they talked, he'd lose that attraction. That would be best. When her study partner had taken her, she'd felt this same bulge in her body, a yearning to fly apart and become something new. When he'd spurted in her belly, the orgasm she'd had had felt like that ... like she was flying into pieces that would assemble to make a new woman when they drifted back together. She somehow knew that she could reach the same place with Roger, but that wasn't allowed ... couldn't be. She had to tell him. She had to make him hate her. Only then could she resist these feelings.
"Yes," she said, her voice raspy. "Yes. We have to talk about that."
Once they had decided to talk about their attraction to each other, the next step was to decide where to do that. Both thought of their rooms, and both discarded that idea for the same reason - there was a bed in the room. It wasn't that either one thought anything was actually going to happen between them. It was just that the bed would make them each think of what they WANTED to happen between them. And, of course, neither yet knew that both of them was thinking about the very same thing.
Such is the situation when communication has not yet taken place.
It was natural for Roger to think of something they'd already done, which might seem more comfortable.
"In the sauna?" he asked.
Jane looked at him and remembered how she'd felt the last time they were in the sauna.
"No," she said. She realized that sounded like she was rejecting his idea out-of-hand. "Somebody might come in," she added, trying to undo what she thought she'd just done.
"True," he said. The fact that she didn't want to be disturbed made something tingle inside him.
"Not one of our rooms," he said, voicing his previous thought.
"No," she agreed. She was frustrated that all she was giving him was negatives. "How did this happen?" she asked, her frustration driving her to say ... something ... anything at all.
"According to Bob, it's a natural phenomenon," said Roger, also saying something just to be saying ... something. "I have to admit, though, that I find it somewhat astonishing."
Jane's first thought was that he was astonished that he could be attracted to her, something she could agree with. She was just a mousy girl from the hills. He was a sophisticated older man. He'd been married to the love of his life. He still missed her. How could he find any attraction for her?
"We could just stay here," suggested Roger. "It's quiet, and nobody will bother us."
Jane glanced at him. She just wanted it to be over.
"I'm in love with my father," she blurted, unable to keep it inside any longer.
"Really?" said Roger, unable to process the information because it was so unexpected.
"I think that's why I'm attracted to you," she moaned. "You remind me of him."
"Really?" He was still having trouble adjusting to the fact that they were suddenly talking about something that was obviously very important to her.
"I'm perverted," she said, putting her face into her hands.
Roger looked at the woman he was so interested in. He hadn't had time to adjust to her startling statement, and couldn't think of her as being perverted at all. That might come in the future, but he couldn't think of her that way right now. His own kink flooded his mind.
"Don't feel bad," he heard himself say. "I have a thing for young girls. You're no more perverted than I am."
Her head snapped up. There were tears in her eyes.
"But I'm not that young," she said.
"I know that, but your appearance ..." He trailed off. "You're actions are very ... innocent," he added uncomfortably.
"I'd think you'd be attracted to Lori," she said, unable to grapple with his admission.
"Not that young," he said. "It's hard to explain."
"That's what you were talking about before," she said. "When you said women your own age didn't appeal to you."
"Yes," he admitted.
"That's different," she said. "You're just doing that Bob said all men do ... looking for a childbearing woman. I think about having sex with my own father."
"Did he ever ...?" Roger's question was obvious.
Her laugh was part scorn and part explosive release of tension.
"No way! He's a Deacon in the church. He'd never speak to me again if he ever found out I thought about him that way. He'd disown me. I could never go back home, ever again."
"So that's why you don't want to marry ..." Roger couldn't remember her fiancé’s name.
"Jed," she finished for him, and then went on. "No ... Maybe. I don't know for sure. I'm not really attracted to Jed. He's nice, and sweet, but he's not ..."
"Your father?" asked Roger.
"No, it's not even that, really," she said, looking around. "I know I could never do anything with my father. But whenever I fantasize, his face pops into my head. I can't help it. I saw him making love to my mother one time, and ever since then ..." She shook her head. "I don’t want to be just a farmer's wife," she said. "I love teaching, but if I keep teaching, I have to give up everything back home. They don't understand. I lose, no matter what I do."
"Couldn't you teach back there?" asked Roger.
"You don't understand," she moaned. "They ... the men ... they have old fashioned ideas about a woman's role. Once they decide what that role should be, it's just decided, as far as they're concerned. The woman doesn't have any say in the matter, really."
"That's too bad," said Roger sadly. "You deserve to be happy."
"Why?" she asked looking at him. "There are lots of people who aren't happy. They do what they have to do to get by, and live with things the way they are."
"True," he said, "but they don't really have to. I know people settle for things, but that doesn't make it right. You're bright, intelligent, pretty ... why should you have to settle for somebody else's dream?"
"They're my family!" she moaned.
"You just said that you lose, no matter what you do," said Roger patiently. "That means you'll be unhappy, regardless. Now, just imagine for a moment, that you decide what YOU want to do. You go after that, and something positive comes into your life. Yes, you lose something back home, if they can't adjust to what you decided, but at least you have something positive in your life ... some happiness. You don't have to make THEM happy, at the expense of all your own happiness."
"You make it sound so simple," she said.
"I know it's not simple," he said softly. "I know what it's like to want something you can't have."
"You could find a young woman," said Jane.
"The kind of woman I'm looking for isn't interested in hanging around an old man," he said, smiling gently.
"That's not true!" she said. "I just admitted that I'm attracted to you, and you just admitted that you're attracted to me!"
"That's not the same thing as deciding to have children with me," he said. "It's not the same thing as deciding to spend the best years of your life with a man who will almost certainly die before you do, and leave you alone. Think about it, Jane. No young woman is going to saddle herself with that kind of life, once she really thinks about it."
"She would if she were happy with you," insisted Jane. "If you made her feel complete, she'd treasure the time she had with you, just like you treasured the time you had with your wife."
"If only I could be so lucky," he said. "You're only attracted to me because I remind you of your father."
"That's not true!" she said hotly. "The other night, for the first time since I can remember, I thought about you, instead of ..."
Her eyes widened as she realized what she'd admitted. She put her face in her hands again, embarrassed.
"That's quite a compliment," he said gently.
He wanted to reach out and touch her, but he knew that would be the wrong thing to do.
"I'm so embarrassed," she moaned.
"Would it make you feel any better if you knew you affected me the same way?" he ventured. "When I saw you in that swim suit ... even before that ... I couldn't control my imagination."
Jane's embarrassment was suddenly tinged with something else ... a feeling in the pit of her stomach that was familiar. She realized she was horny. Having this man say things like that shot streaks of guilty pleasure through her.
"What are we going to do?" she moaned.
"We don't have to do anything," he said.
"I feel so jumbled up inside," she moaned again.
"Welcome to the club," he sighed.
"I can't help but think about ... things," she said into her hands.
"I can't either, but that doesn't mean we have to act on that," he insisted. "Why don't we put all that aside and just get to know each other a bit more."
She looked at him, her face tear-streaked.
"I can't put that aside," she whispered.
"You have no idea how good that makes me feel." He smiled. "I thought you'd hate me for lusting after an engaged girl."
Her laughter this time was pure hysteria, but it let out a lot of pressure.
"And I was sure you'd hate me for comparing you to my own father!"
"I want to hug you, right now," he said, his face serious. "But that probably wouldn't be a good thing to do, huh?"
She laughed again, more tension flooding out of her mouth. "You have no idea!"
He put a mournful face on. "That only makes me want to hug you even more."
She stood up, suddenly full of energy. "Then we'd better get out of here, because if we stay here, we may end up doing it on the table."
Roger was astonished. "You're kidding!" he gasped.
"Right now I have no idea what could happen," she said. "I didn't expect any of this to happen, and I don't know what to do about it." she threw up her hands. "Just the way you looked at me in that bikini made me want to ..." She blushed and turned away.
"Wow!" sighed Roger. "You have no idea how good you're making me feel."
"I know how good you're making ME feel," said Jane, shooting him a look that said much more than her words did. "I'm a good girl. I only cheated on Jed once, and I felt terrible. Right now I'm feeling just like I did when I let things happen, and I don't want to feel any worse than I already do. So let's just get out of here and go somewhere else for a while or something, OK?"
"OK," he said, almost giddy that she wasn't just telling him to fuck off and leave her alone.
They tried shopping, since that was a mundane kind of thing that they both thought might defuse the situation a little. It didn't work. They found themselves looking at clothing that each would look good in. When Roger drifted toward the lingerie in one shop, Jane took his hand and pulled him away.
"No, you don't," she snapped, feeling the warmth and strength in his hand. She let go of it like it was burning her.
"A guy can dream, can't he?" laughed Roger.
"Not about that," she said grumpily. "This isn't working."
"How about sports equipment?" he asked, smiling.
"OK, she agreed."
They looked at tennis rackets, and Roger went silent.
"What are you thinking?" asked Jane.
"About how you'd look in a short tennis outfit," he admitted.
"You're not trying," she moaned.
"Cookware?" he suggested hopefully.
They looked in all the shops, but there was no cookware to be found.
"It wouldn't have mattered," sighed Roger. "Even if there had been some, I'd have just imagined you cooking, dressed only in an apron."
She stood, her hands hanging at her sides.
"Are you TRYING to seduce me?" she complained.
"With every ounce of energy I have," he sighed. She opened her mouth to snarl and he held up a hand. "I'm just being honest ... like Bob said to do."
"I need some help, here," she whined. "You're making things difficult!"
"I can't help what I feel," he said. "Maybe you need another partner."
Jane thought about that. As much as she was determined not to stray from what she thought was the right way for her to be, she was getting so much pleasure from being with a man who lusted after her that she knew she'd just think about him, even if she was with one of the others.
"I'm a good girl," she reminded him.
"You are," he agreed. "That's one of the things that makes you attractive."
"I'm going to be married!" she insisted.
"Are you?" he asked.
"Not if I give in to my feelings," she complained. "I can't go off and cheat on Jed again and expect things to turn out well. And you wouldn't certainly wouldn't marry me!"
"Who said so?" he said seriously.
She tossed a hand in the air. "Be serious. We don't even know each other!"
"Haven't you ever heard of love at first sight?" he asked.
"Is that what this is?" she snarled. "You see a smallish woman, who reminds you of one of your teeny-bopper fantasies, and I see a man who reminds me I want to have incest with my father ... and we call it love at first sight?"
"That's not fair," he said, still serious. "I know you're no teeny-bopper, and you know your fantasy will always be just that - a fantasy. Why, then, are we still attracted to each other?"
"We're not supposed to be talking about this," she moaned.
"We're supposed to be talking about what we feel," said Roger. "Isn't that what Bob said? We're supposed to be talking about things that are important to us. We're doing just that."
"I don't even know what love is," she whined.
"You never will know, unless you explore," he said.
"I CAN'T explore!" she almost shouted. "I'm ENGAGED!"
"By someone's choice other than your own, if what you said is true," he said, much too reasonably.
"We can't just hop in bed!" The overwhelming emotion in her bubbled out in a giggle.
"That's not what I'm after, actually," said Roger.
She blinked and looked at him, confused.
"I mean that would be wonderful, no doubt about it," he said, his eyes roaming down and back up her body. "But if you ever go to bed with me, I want it to be because you want to, and not just to slake some thirst. I want it to mean something. I don't want you to cheat on whats-his-name ... Jed ... with me. If we end up in bed, I want it to be because we both want to share that kind of passion ... to give to each other something special, without guilt, or remorse."
His little speech bored into Jane's innermost essence. That was the kind of thing she'd always dreamed about ... a relationship that meant something ... where both individuals were partners ... where she really wanted to be with the man, and he wanted to be with her because of who she was, and not because she was instructed to fulfill her role as a woman. At that precise moment, she knew she'd succumb to his seduction ... that she'd let him ravish her ... that she'd ravish him back, if she could figure out how to. The knot in her gut suddenly loosened. It was as if she had opened the closet door and, instead of finding the boogey-man, she found a rack of frilly gowns to wear.
Then, the darkness closed back in, as she imagined her father's scowl, when she announced she wasn't going to marry Jed, and wasn't going to stop teaching.
"I don't know if I can do that," she whispered.
"Neither do I," he said gently. "You hungry?"
His abrupt change of subject made her wonder if the pain in her gut was from hunger. She hoped so. If eating could make it go away, that would make her feel a lot better.
"Maybe," she said.
END OF PREVIEW
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