Beating Off Bob's Guide To Writing Really Bad Erotica

by Beating Off Bob

Author's comment:

First, a little background for those of you who have only been reading my stories for the last couple of years. I started my "career" in 2005, using the pen name "Beating Off Bob."
In November of 2007, for a variety of reasons, I retired that name and adopted the one I've been using ever since then. That, of course, is Robert Lubrican. Both are odd names and it's a long story. Unless you're a philosopher it's not all that interesting, so let me go on.

Now I am generally a man of my word, and I know I said that Beating Off Bob retired when I changed my pen name to Lubrican. But the following material definitely came from the mind of Beating Off Bob, who still lurks around in the back of my skull somewhere. And because he so clearly took over while I wrote this, I decided to give him the credit and post it that way.

Finally, this tutorial is dedicated to George, who never feels bad about pointing out where I MAY have failed to clear the bar, so to speak ... on those incredibly rare occasions where I may, in fact, have grazed the bar. I know it's hard to believe, but I do make the odd mistake here and there. And George has pointed out enough of them that I thought others might learn from ... um ... well let's just call them my mistakes.

That way I won't get hate mail from a couple hundred other authors.


We start with a definition.

Squick: A term of the vernacular that is the opposite of "kink" when applied to reading erotica. A reader chooses the story based on his or her kink(s). The reader usually dumps the story based on a squick.

The word is commonly believed to have derived from the sound made by the tentacle of the giant squid as it slithers toward someone who is about to be sucked down into the depths to an unimaginably horrible and painful death. An alternative origin is that it combines the words "squeamish" and "sick" (as in ill). Example: "This story is making me squeamish and sick at my stomach. I think I'll quit reading it and go power vomit for a while instead."

Obviously, such people are wimps, with no backbone, but what can you say?

Now, just about anybody who's ever read a dirty story has said these words: "Sheeeeit, I could do better than that!" The vast majority of them say it out loud.

Now, lest you think I'm talking through my hat about this, let me tell you I have evidence that this is true. A LOT of people have written to me and said that in print, after saying it aloud at home while reading one of my stories.

So right off the bat let's get it straight that I'm an expert on writing really bad erotica. I have years of experience with the writing of bad erotica. I got all that experience after reading a ton of porn online and saying "Sheeeeit! I could do better than that!" So this isn't some lame info-mercial where I'm trying to get you to send me money for something you don't really need, or would use twice and then put on a shelf forever. Not at all.

With the very valuable information I am about to give you - absolutely free, by the way - you can begin a career that can last decades. And let's face it, folks. There is nothing more exciting than being on your death bed and being able to confess to the relatives gathered around that DaddyBigDick (or other pen name you think is even more clever and catchier than that one) ... is actually YOU! The silver lining of that little cloud is that you'll pick up an additional fifteen or twenty new readers after you croak. At least if you have a large family.

Now, if you've done any reading of any kind on the internet, (and you obviously have, since you're reading this,) you've already realized there are hundreds of thousands of authors out there with minimal, if any talent. These are the people you're going to be competing with, and it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Well ... come to think of it ... in many cases it's a dog-eat-woman's-pussy world ... but you know what I mean. You're going to have to work really hard to be bad enough for people to actually take notice of you.

Ok, so the first thing you have to do is decide what genre you're going to produce bad erotic stories for. You need to be specific. You can't just decide you're a generic paraphiliac. Paraphilia is kind of the umbrella term that the non-perverts use. It means, basically, a psychosexual disorder in which sexual gratification is obtained through highly unusual practices that are harmful or humiliating to others or socially repugnant.

In other words, you're a pervert, and want to appeal to some kink.

Of course these kinks are not socially repugnant to you, but you know how dictionaries work ... you don't get to pick the words used in a definition. So don't get too wrapped around the axle at how the non-perverts see things. Vegetarianism is socially repugnant to some of us, and it's not really a "bad" thing at all, right?

The sky's the limit here, because there are a lot of sick fucks out there who like the most unbelievable kinds of themes. Take for instance the baby fuckers. These are the folks who like to read about adults fucking infants. The infant, even though she can't talk, somehow manages to seduce the adult and convince him that this is a delightful pastime ... never mind the practically arterial bleeding and lifelong physical trauma. Another really fucked up one is the cannibal kink. I once saw a story about a woman who, on her wedding night, was raped, tortured, gang-banged, had fourteen orgasms, ended up begging for it and then was cut up and eaten. And her groom had to watch! But they didn't kill him. They just ate his dick and balls. That's where they get their power from, you know.

But if you'd rather keep to something a little less adventurous, there are some tamer genres out there. Some examples are incest, first time, slut wife/wimp husband, BDSM (without the murder and all that stuff,) young love, romance and so on. You probably already have your favorite, but by no means should you stick with that. The very worst erotica is written by people who've never engaged in whatever activity they're writing about, so you might want to branch out a little. For instance, one of the worst authors I know is a male who specializes in writing about lesbian experiences. I myself write extensively about pregnancy and trust me ... I've never been pregnant even once.

Now I must mention that there are two categories of erotica: fantasies and true stories. You can't really tell the difference if the writing is really bad. In both types the male will have a penis that is impossibly large. "As big around as a Coke can" is one of my favorite descriptions. And the women are always beautiful and have "massive" breasts. If, for some strange reason they don't have huge breasts, then their nipples are long enough and stiff enough to be used as pitons during an afternoon mountain climb.

Well, now that I've thought about it, perhaps we should restate the two categories of erotica. They are fictional ... and lies.

There. Now we can move on.

So ... what's the first thing you should do to begin writing really bad erotica? Well, a very wise man once said "There is nothing new under the sun." So let's start this way:

1. Pick a plot that's been done six hundred thousand times. Here are a few examples:

a. The UPS guy knocks, and wifey (just out of the shower, of course) answers the door in a robe that suddenly comes loose. Within two paragraphs they're fucking on the floor.

b. Young male is caught by his sister beating off. She's curious and has never seen anything like this. She demands to watch, and threatens to tell the parents if he doesn't let her. He demands that she do it too while she watches. They strip, get hot and bothered and within five paragraphs they're fucking on the bed.

c. Older male is caught by his daughter beating off. See 'b' above, except the threat is to tell wifey.

d. Older woman (mother or possibly librarian) catches younger male beating off. She then takes pity on him and, since he is obviously inexperienced, fucks his socks off. To move the plot forward she should masturbate him herself, preferably on the same page she catches him on. After that you can move more slowly as she continues his education, but within five pages it is mandatory that they be fucking like rabbits.

e. Wifey goes out with her friends on a special occasion to a strip club where there's a black dancer with a schlong that requires a crane to maneuver. Six paragraphs later they're fucking, either on stage, or in the dressing room.

f. A birthday party ... any birthday party. It doesn't matter whose birthday it is. All that matters is that they wanted sex from one of the relatives at the party. The phrase "This is what I really wanted for my birthday" has to be in there somewhere. If you want to be wild and crazy, you can substitute that phrase with "This is what I really wanted to give you for your birthday."

g. The camping trip, in any of its derivations. Mom is stuck in the woods with her horny sons, or Dad is stuck in the woods with his horny daughter and from one to five of her nubile friends. If it's an attempt to rip off the Girl Scout Nookie theme, you can have more girls. In the free-for-all version there are both parents, sons and daughters AND all their friends. The first sex must take place in a sleeping bag which is magically large enough for two, and if you want to keep the reader's attention, it should be the first night.

h. The lonely bride. On her perfect day the groom gets trashed and can't perform his sexual duties on the wedding night. Enter father-in-law, best man, brother, father, or a black bellboy with a schlong the size of New Hampshire, who then does what the groom should be doing. It's optional as to whether to have her beg for it, or resist ineffectually until she realizes she loves this strange dick in her. She's always unprotected and fertile, since they planned the whole wedding around her getting pregnant on the first night. This is a story in the 'slow' genre, meaning you can go four or five pages until the sex acts start taking place.

i. The friend who steals your wife. Must be told from the husband's point of view. He describes how his best friend seduces his wife, usually while hubby is sleeping or pretending to sleep in the same room. The wife resists, of course, but once she sees his friend's horse cock dragging the floor, can't resist just a little taste. She becomes enslaved immediately, naturally, and lets the friend have her any time he feels like it. The narrator almost always tries to fuck her afterwards, but feels like he's trying to put his dick in a fifty-five gallon barrel. If you want a blockbuster, have the friend seduce his daughter(s) too. This is also a slow type story, meaning no sex for the first dozen paragraphs.

j. The friend in need. Happy couple is unhappy because hubby can't get her pregnant. So they call in a friend to do what hubby isn't man enough to do. There may not be any selection process other than the husband, who is always ecstatic with the idea of some other dude impregnating his wife, saying something like "How about Steve? You've always thought he was hot." There are two versions of this theme. In one hubby watches and is the cheerleader. In the other he doesn't watch, but listens in to the sounds of wifey being unimaginably satisfied. In that one she uses phrases like "You're so much bigger than wimpy," or "Wimpy never made me feel this wonderful!" In either case, the friend ends up with wifey because he's a real man. And, in either case, the woman must be having an orgasm and not quite getting pregnant yet within the fourth paragraph after she meets the future father of her child. This can be a very long story if it takes a few months for Studly to knock her up and has to fuck her every day and in every room of the house.

k. The just-plain-slut wife. This is a woman - any woman - who for totally inexplicable reasons cannot do without some man's dick other than her husband's. The only variety allowed in a story like this is whose dick she can't do without. If you want to torture the reader you can have her resist her urges for a few pages, but once she gives in there must be a minimum of two sex acts per page for the rest of the story. The only suspense allowed is whether hubby will catch her in the act or not.

l. The vacation gone wrong. In this one the happy couple goes off to some island somewhere, where the plan is to relax and have a great time. This one allows for a lot of creativity in terms of copying the way wifey gets seduced by the bell boy, or bartender, or random stranger, almost always a native, and who is there only because he spends all his days seducing white female tourists. Usually hubby is either tricked into going fishing, or doing something else which requires him to leave wifey behind because she wouldn't be interested in doing it with him, even though they're on vacation together. So she's bored and an easy mark for the semi-professional, usually black employee of the resort who offers free massages, or scuba lessons or whatever. Like I said, you can be really creative, just like the half million other people were when they wrote this story. The only real requirement here is that wifey gets addicted to her new plaything and uses it to get her pregnant before she leaves.

j. The breakdown or hitchhiker scenario. The car breaks down. Either there's nobody around for miles and the woman has to hitchhike, or somebody shows up to "help" her. In either case, she has to pay with sex, because that's all she has with her of a semi monetary nature. An alternate version of this is where she walks to a house to use the phone and ends up staying the night in the house which, of course, contains at least five horny men who all get a shot at her. Bad weather is a common excuse for the having to stay all night thing.

k. The work slut, who can be either male or female. It doesn't matter what sex they are, because the boss will be the opposite sex. The employee, who is always gloriously happily married, and has never cheated on anybody, is put in a position of fear for his or her job. Then the boss says "We're going to fuck or you're fired." This is NOT a slow type story. In fact, the work slut doesn't even have to be actually hired yet when he or she is first fucked. It can be part of the interview process. The boss says something like "I need a secretary who speaks English, and has massive tits like yours and a mouth that will hold my coke can sized prick while I cum buckets. You really need this job. I can tell. So strip, baby and let's see if you qualify for the position." After that, of course, the work slut gets fucked every day, especially at parties, where the spouse is also present.

l. The pedophile, or Lolita plot, where the otherwise perfectly normal man finds pre-pubescent girls, with no tits at all and skinned knees and such, to be incredibly attractive. They find him attractive too, as demonstrated by the eight-to-eleven year olds who prance around in high heels and see through nightgowns they get from Tarts 'R' Us or someplace like that. These girls may not have a single female attribute, but they have women's intuition, because they not only know all about sex, but they're craving to have it with this comparative geezer. After they get porked by grandpa, then they can have sex with all the boys in the neighborhood, especially the high school seniors who live on the wrong side of the tracks. In the blockbuster version the first girl is so ecstatic about having an adult prick in her little girl pussy that she brings all her little friends over and gets them broken in too.

m. And, I'll cut this off with the time honored home invasion theme, where Bubba and Jake break into the house and, instead of just stealing stuff, they spend the night (and the next couple of days if you're REALLY bad at this) making daddy fuck his daughter, and raping mommy while daddy is tied to a chair with toothpicks holding his eyes open so he has to watch. Brother has to fuck both mom and sis. You can really spice this up by having junior have a bigger schlong than dad which, of course, mom gets addicted to. I was thinking about using this plot one time where right in the middle of getting her ashes hauled, mom blurts out that her baby boy's huge willy must be the result of the fact that Uncle Bud is actually his father, and everybody knows how well hung Uncle Bud is.

Now don't you go and steal that idea.

These are but a few of the worn out plot ideas that have been done so many times you couldn't possibly come up with a fresh take on them. That's what you're looking for - something that you can pretend you're going to do "much better" than eleventy-nine other people have already done. A few people wanted me to us the NIS theme in this section, but that would be disrespectful to a time-honored and popular erotic theme that could ALWAYS use another story about Jack and Jill, Naked In School because the Government wants them that way.

Come to think of it, with the Democrats in charge now ... it could happen! It would be part of the green movement, to cut down on the energy used to make, and launder clothes. You could opt out, but there would be a tax for that. After all it's just another attempt to save the planet. And in the spirit of bipartisan politics, it wouldn't be called NAKED in school. It would be called GREEN in school.

No! Wait! You could call it Cape and Trade. You buy the right to cape your body. If you want to go nude you trade your right to wear clothing to whoever can pay for it. And just like Cap and Trade in the energy industry penalizes the poor people in this country, Cape and Trade in the GIS program would penalize the ugly people, who would HAVE to pay more to cover up their ugliness or suffer being laughed out of school.

But I digress. This is supposed to be about BAD erotica, and that's a whale of a good idea.

Don't go and steal that one either, OK?

2. OK, so you've decided what to write about. Next, you need to make it as difficult to read as possible. I'll break this down into sections.

Paragraphs: A good start is not to use paragraphs at all. Just write and let the computer wrap things around. You'll get done eventually, and can put "The End" on its own line.

If you're trying to be high brow about it, you can just write
long paragraphs. Try to change locations in the story within the same paragraph as the previous location, if possible. That's confusing as hell, just like that last sentence was. See how this works?

If you accidentally write paragraphs of reasonable length, you can undo that by leaving out blank lines between them. Try not to indent if you do that. It has the same effect as one long paragraph if you do it right.

Characters: Your stories have to have characters, but don't make the mistake of making any of them interesting enough to take attention away from the sex. I mean the only reason people read this stuff (erotica) is for the sex, right? After all, YOUR rendering of the sex act can't help but be completely unique and fascinating to those who have read about every possible type of sex act ten or twenty thousand times already.

Now, just like plots, it's really easy to use the same characters over and over again. All you do is change the name from one story to the next. All young girls should be impossibly innocent, never having heard of semen or sperm ... sorry, I mean cum ... in her life. If you live in one of those states that has a law about how any female character that's exposed to sexual behavior has to be eighteen for the story to be legal, that's OK. Don't worry about it. Your eighteen year olds can just act like eleven year olds and it will still work out fine. Part of reading fiction is what they call "suspending your disbelief." That's fancy talk for "That couldn't happen in a million years, but I'm going to believe it's possible anyway." You do that all the time when you watch a movie like "Die Hard With A Vengeance." Bruce never runs out of bullets and things that would kill any ordinary man just make him bleed a little. I love that movie because I get to suspend my disbelief so much.

What I'm saying is that the readers will suspend their disbelief so the women in your story can be like they're supposed to be.

So all your female characters need to be the kind who say "What's that white stuff coming out of your pee pee? Is it the stuff that makes babies?" or something like that, OK? At least at first. Once they become nymphomaniacs (see fifth paragraph down from here) then their legs should spring apart at the drop of a hat and they must be willing to share the guy with twelve of their friends.

Try not to mix types here, because it's confusing to the reader. If your main female character is a cheating wife, then she needs to share him with twelve other cheating wives. If she's a virgin cheerleader, then he needs to pop the cherries of the whole squad. And if you're so stubborn as to have one cheerleader who had had sex before, or one wife who has cheated before, then you have to have them be eager for him be the first one to fuck their assholes.

The females should also instinctively crave sucking a twelve inch cock and be able to become expert at it, including deep throating, within two paragraphs of first parting their tender lips above the apple sized ruby red tip of his massive cock.

I threw in a little colorful language there, which I really shouldn't have to mention. It's instinct for all authors to use it.

Oh yeah, the women all have to swallow and compare it to something yummy, like Tapioca pudding, or banana cream pie or whatever.

Now, as for your male characters, who of course have twelve inch cocks, they must be suave and debonair. For you southern authors that's what you pronounce as swave and de-boner. But the male's primary talent is the ability to bust a cherry, causing agonizing screeches of pain which are replaced almost instantly by hip-humping, lust-crazed nymphomania because of his astounding skill at fucking.

It's important for your men to be manly men, which means no pansy ass tenderness on their part. They should only refer to the women as bitches and sluts, since all women crave to be addressed that way. It really turns them on when a man disrespects them completely. That's probably where water sports and scat comes from too, but I'm not sure. I've never been actually able to find anybody who would admit they like being pissed and shit upon. That's an interesting way to meet people, by the way. Just carry around a clipboard and pencil. If you can borrow some glasses and a bow tie it's even better. Then just walk up to people and say "I'm doing a survey for the Sexualogical Institute of Common Kinks. Do you like your partner to shit and piss on you during sex?" Try to look really interested. You might make some new friends. I almost guarantee you that if you approach a couple this way, the male will be into sadism, and he'll demonstrate how much he loves his kink. It can be very educational. You need good health insurance before you do this, though.

Another thing about the men that's absolutely required is that they be able to get another boner almost immediately after squirting through their first one. If you really want the ladies to flock to your story, have him squirt and not even go soft at all before he squirts again. And if you want a blockbuster, have all your men under the age of forty take Viagra before they fuck, so that it will stay hard for twenty-four hours. I know Viagra doesn't work like that, but your younger readers ... the ones under forty who don't need Viagra ... won't know the difference. And if some jerk tells them it's not true, they'll just suspend their disbelief. Who knows, they might even go find some on the black market to see if it really works.

Not quite as important, but also required, is that when the men cum, they be able to fill one of those half pint milk cartons like they have in the school cafeteria. Not that they're going to squirt in a milk carton, of course. It just has to be that much, and delivered in fifteen or twenty strong spurts that the woman can feel "bursting against her cervix." One of my personal favorites is to have the guy stick his cock through her cervix, and squirt right inside the womb, which I'm told is physically impossible, but this is fiction anyway so suspend your fucking disbelief, OK? It's a hot idea, and that's what erotica is all about.

OK, it's not so hot an idea to the ladies, who say the pain of that would be similar to a birth contraction, but I'm writing for all those horny guys out there anyway. Mostly. I love you ladies too. That's why I give all the male characters twelve inch cocks.

If you're writing a story with the slow code in it, then the women can play hard to get for between ten and twenty paragraphs. I wouldn't go longer than that before she gets naked and begs to be fucked by a twelve inch cock, or you might lose the reader. If you want a REALLY slow story, you'll have to fill in all those uninteresting paragraphs with really snappy dialog, which will be covered in the next section of this tutorial. Suffice it to say that erotica is all about sexual action, and I mean constant sexual action. You need to mirror what real life is actually supposed to be like, which means that your characters should be having sex at least half a dozen times a day.

If half a dozen times a day every day of the week seems the tiniest bit excessive, then you can back off to only four times a day, but compensate by giving him the stamina of a porn star. If you've ever watched a porn video, we all know the guy can fuck for at least an hour before he feels the urge to cum, so have your men do that. They can fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and change positions and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and change positions again and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck some more. That's REALLY interesting to all the readers. I bet you're hard right now just from reading that. Or wet. You didn't think I'd forget you bitches out there, did you?

Lastly, don't be afraid to challenge your readers a bit on the mental gymnastics front. If your main male protagonist starts out named Roger, change it to Ralph about halfway through and use that for a few pages. Then go back to Roger. It just cracks me up when I imagine how the reader has to go back and read something a dozen times to try to figure out what the fuck just happened, and who the hell Ralph is. If you don't want to change the women's names, just change the color of her nipples, or make her have a big nasty bush in one place, after she was shaved clean in another place. You won't get bored and neither will your readers.

You get the most interesting feedback too.

Vocabulary: One of the best ways to write really bad erotica is to restrict your vocabulary as much as possible. If the only way you refer to a female's genitalia is "cunt" then you don't have to remember how to spell vagina. And that's a hoity-toity term anyway, just like "penis" is. Cocks and cunts are words that are unambiguous, which everybody understands. And if it ain't broke, then why fix it?

Now it IS true that tens of thousands of readers find the term "cunt" distasteful, and would prefer to think of the cunt you're writing about as a "pussy" or "slit" or some other word that doesn't make them think of something really skanky ... but who cares? We're writing bad erotica here, not literature, right? On the other hand, if you want to display the fact that you're erudite, you can toss in the occasional "gash" ,"snatch" or "hatchet wound" just to keep the same tone without being boring.

Whatever you do, stay away from anything approaching technical terms such as vagina, penis, testicles, pudendum, labia majora and the like. Everybody will think you're a doctor who's writing porn on the side. They'll be giggling so hard they won't be able to beat off while they read your masterpiece. If you doubt me, just walk up to an average person and say the word "Vagina" to them. They'll blush and get all giggly, I promise. As a matter of fact, you can combine that with the question about water sports and scat during your interviews with strangers. You have a brilliant opening, and break the ice right away. It might go like this. "Hello. Vagina." (Leave some time for giggling here.) "So tell me, how much fun is it for you when this big lug here shits and pisses on you during sex?"

It is imperative that your descriptions of certain things involve the kind of detail that prove you're an aficionado of things sexual. For example, everybody knows that if you ask a woman what size her bust is (sorry ... what size her tits are) that she'll invariably answer with a number and letter. "I'm a 36C cup," she might say. So you can't just say she had 36 inch tits. That's not enough information. The reader knows the difference to the millimeter between a 36 C cup and a 36 DD cup, and you want that image firm in his or her mind. So you can't say she had nice full breasts that looked heavy. You have to say she was endowed with a pair of 38 DD knockers, and that if she went braless it looked like there was a pair of marmosets in her shirt trying to eat their way out. That's classy.

We've already mentioned the extra large penis ... er cock ... that all the men must have. Length is important. Ten inches is a minimum, unless it's a fourteen year old boy, and then you can get away with only making him nine inches long. And, while most people aren't imaginative enough to visualize comparing a dick to a Coke can, you can always opt to make it as big around as the girl's wrist who is staring at it. I'd say you should normally shy away from giving a circumference for the member in question, such as "five inches in diameter." First of all that's diameter instead of circumference, and that will get people confused. And, if you do that then the reader might feel compelled to go find a tape measure and see how big around that really is. That's distracting. If you like you can take the high road and skip that altogether. In that case you can just have the woman say something like "It feels like a ball bat!" All women know what that's like, since all women have obviously stuck a ball bat in their pussy ... I mean cunt ... before.

Kind of makes you wonder about all those people who taste something and say "That tastes like shit!"

Hmmm ... maybe THOSE people are the ones who are into scat.

Never mind.

Now, because most of our hunched over, drooling readers have a limited vocabulary, we don't want to tax them by using a lot of different words. For that reason, it's good to use the same word over and over, since it will already have been processed and won't make them have to think about a new word. Let me give you an example:

One time there was this one guy who was really horny. He had one job, which was to sell one brush every one day, so he knocked on this one door and this one woman opened it. "Hi!" was one of his opening lines. "Would you like to buy one of my brushes today?" She had just come from one of the bathrooms, where she was taking one shower, and had put on one of her robes which had one belt loop missing. Her robe fell open, displaying one of her 38C naked tits. "Oops," she moaned as her nipple stiffened, getting long enough to hang one pair of bananas on. "Wow," moaned this one guy. "I sure would like to be the one to suck on that beautiful tit!" he moaned. "One hoped you would," she moaned, her voice having one of those sultry moaning overtones. She pulled him in and in one minute they were fucking one another hard on the floor. "Oooo that was a good one!" she moaned as she had one massive orgasm. "I'm going to cum in one sweet pussy!" he groaned. "Wait one minute, cause I'm not protected one bit!" she yelled. I can't wait even one second!" he yelled back. He squirted one time, and then one more time and then twelve more one times until he had squirted enough to fill one of those half pint milk cartons and she moaned in one ear about how she could feel his massive cock squirting massive amounts of cum into her massively unprotected womb. "I'm going to have one of your babies!" she shouted. "Just one?" he shouted. "Your cock isn't going soft!" she shouted. "I'm going to shoot one more time!" he shouted.

See how easy that is to read? And it's hot too!

Dialogue: Regardless of the paragraph style you torture your audience with, whatever you do, don't give each line of dialogue its own line or paragraph. That makes it WAY too easy to tell what's going on and who's saying what. Here's an example:

Jill saw John and went up to him. "So what are you doing tonight?" "I don't know." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "So?" "I was just thinking of fucking your socks off." "But we've never even dated!" "I know, but you're so hot and I have a twelve inch dick." "Oh well that's different. Wear loose pants when you pick me up because if my Mom sees it she'll want some too."

If you want to write the worst possible dialogue, leave out the quotation marks. Here's what that looks like:

Jill saw John and waved. That's a lot of books. I have a lot of homework. I could help with that. It's really easy, but you can help. I can help in other ways too. I have a twelve inch dick. Oooo I've always wanted a twelve inch dick. I'm a virgin. Oooo I specialize in virgins. Really? Would I lie about something like that?

Kids in high school should use phrases like "hook up", "checkin' me out", "six pack" and "package" because that imparts realism to the story, so that everybody will know that a really hip highschooler wrote the story.

Of course really bad dialogue should have nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, or lack of plot. There should be as much superfluous dialogue as possible too. "What's up?" answered by "Not much, what's up with you?" followed by "Did you see Becky today?" (where Becky has nothing to do with the plot) answered by "Yeah, what a skank!" and then added to by "She should get a life." What this does is show the camaraderie of the two people talking so it's obvious they're close. Then they can then get down to the nitty gritty of hooking up and checking out some six packs before they decide to get to the meat of the story which involves "So have you ever seen my twelve inch dick? I'd like to show it to you." If you're writing from the female's point of view it would be "So do you really have a twelve inch dick? I've never seen a real one that big. Could I see yours?"

I recommend pages and pages of inane dialogue before anything actually happens. If you do that you can ignore my earlier comment about line spacing and give each and every comment its own line, with a line in-between, to stretch things out. You might even be able to upgrade from "story" to "book." Pretty cool, huh?

Now the other part of dialogue is what they say during sex. It's really easy, because everybody says exactly the same thing. The women say: "Fuck me harder!!! Don't take it out when you cum!!! I don't care if I get pregnant!!!" The men say "Your pussy is so tight!!! Oh Baby you are one foxy lady!!!" and "I'm gonna shoot 'cause you're making me too hot!!!" Both of them use other colorful language that will be discussed in the last part of this lesson. Be sure to overdo it on the punctuation in this part!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A whole line of exclaimation points really tells the reader something important is going on.

If you think having the characters talk during sex is distracting, you can always switch to the sounds of lust and love. They are:


* pant, pant * Uhhhhhhhh! (foreplay, male)


AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! (female, cherry being popped)





Try not to vary from these too much. You'll confuse the reader if you do. But you CAN repeat every other line for half a page if you want it to be a REALLY hot and drawn out sex scene. Here's an example:

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" said Cindy Lou as Bubba sucked on one five inch long cherry colored stiff nipple.

* pant, pant * "Uhhhhhhhh!" groaned Bubba as his twelve inch long coke can sized prick ripped a hole in his survivialist kevlar tidy whities. He was REALLY ready to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Cindy Lou as her cherry was destroyed as Bubba's practically nuclear prick slashed her gash but good.

"OHFUCKYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" shouted Bubba heroically as he realized he was finally a real man. "I bet you love that, Bitch!" he screamed.

"EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG," gasped Cindy Lou as the pain suddenly vanished and she realized this was what she'd been born for.

"OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" panted Bubba as he sped up. He was going to make it at least fourteen seconds before he popped off with this bitch, if it was the last thing he did. He deserved to set a new longevity record, and this cunt deserved to be the recipient of it.









Then it happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH" screamed Cindy Lou real loud as she had an orgasm and changed her mind and decided THIS was what she'd been born for!!!!!!!!!

"PPPPPPFFFFFFFTTTTTTTNNNNNGGGGRRQEKSH." Bubba was foaming at the mouth as his gigantic baseball bat sized cock almost ruptured Cindy Lou's entire body when it squirted a gallon of boiling hot cum directly into her ovaries, where all the eggs practically exploded as Cindy Lou became the mother of ... I don't know ... maybe THOUSANDS of babies all at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ten minute pause. The reader can go get a Coke, or a snack or something. I'll be right back.]

Whew! I had to take a little break there. Going to have to throw out THAT desk chair. You just can't save a desk chair that's been soaked in THAT much cum. Sorry about that. When you're writing this stuff sometimes you get carried away. You'll know what I mean when you start writing it yourself.

Punctuation: For exceptionally bad writing the easy road is just not to worry about it there are so many rules that it's a pain in the ass to pay attention to most of them nobody really pays attention to the marks anyway right of course sometimes you really want somebody to notice a particularly good gem of writing!!! That's when to overuse punctuation!!! I mean it's the only way to really draw attention to an important part of the story isn't it!?! You can see that in this paragraph which I punctuated just like I'm talking about!!! and yes I know I already mentioned overusing the exclamation point but I didn't mention all the other things and that wouldn't be fair to them That's why I'm devoting a whole section to punctuation

On the other hand, you don't want to look stoopid, and a total lack of punctuation might make it look that way to those really nit picky readers out there. What I do is use as many commas as possible. I have found that this endears me to no end to my editor Peaches. Every time I send her a new masterpiece to edit she screams "Fuck you, Bob, AND all your fucking COMMAS!"

See what I mean? My use of all those commas makes her so hot she wants to fuck me. I haven't figured out what the "fucking commas" part means. I don't know how you'd fuck a comma. I'm leaning toward the idea that she likes a curved penis ... I mean cock ... or something like that. I'll put that in a story some time and see how she reacts.

It could be argued that apostrophes belong in the spelling section of this tutorial, but I'm going to put them here, because they look like punctuation to me. In fact, they look like punctuation that's high on drugs.

Get it? High ...? That's a joke. Readers love humor in a dirty story, as long as it doesn't compete with the sex.

Anyway apostrophes and quotation marks are annoying because you have to look up to see them. Words like it's, we're, you're and all those words that end in 'nt are just a pain in the ass. So my recommendation is to just leave them out. Your readers will thank you for it. The added benefit is that nobody can write to you and complain that you used "it's" where it was supposed to be "its".

Well they CAN write to you, but your answer will be easy. "I don't use fucking apostrophes, so sit on it and spin, loser!" You have to be very firm with readers or they'll think they can say any fucking thing. You can't call them "Bitch" or "Cunt" because they might be a guy, and then you'd look stoopid so that's why you should call them "Loser" which is a unisex word.

Spelling: SPELLING INVOLVES CAPITAL LETTERS SOMETIMES, AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH LETTERS TO CAPITALIZE, JUST MAKE THEM ALL CAPITALS. THAT WAY YOU DON'T LOOK STOOPID. of course these days, with all the texting and tweeting going on, lots of people don't use capital letters at all. that's just as good and makes you look very modern and hip. just write the whole thing in lower case (that's fancy talk for not using those keys with "Shift" and "Caps Lock" printed on them.)

Also, since English isn't actually the official language of America, and what with all these illegal aliens and ebonics, and spanglish and slang and all that stuff, you can really just blow off trying to spel things rite, cause everydoby can figger out whut you meen. I mean you understood thys just fine, rite?

And if I said "Bobby vucked her so good she had a massive organism," you'd know exactly what I meant, right? It just doesn't have to be spelled exactly right every single fucking tyme!

Besides. English is too complicated, so the really bad erotica author has a chance to help shape the future by eliminating those troublesome words that are pronounced the same, but spelled different. Let's just pick one spelling and stick with it. Here's an example.

sir lancealittle rode, down the rode, on his horse. your going too slow!, he barked horsely, at the horse. Its a bumpy fucking rode, said the horse. horses cant talk, grumbled lancealittle. there not capabubble of that and everybody nos it. merlin cast a spell on me, said the horse to his night. your horse can talk, shouldnt you be glad? i dont no, said the night, who was, of course, happy his ride woodnt be silent and boring any more. he wondered if merlin couldnt cast a reverse spell on gwenneveer so she wouldnt squeal so much during hot sex. if such a spell could be carried over to every day activities there wood be a lot of call for it.

See how that works? And people will get used to it really fast. I no they will. The real benefit is that you can claim to be using phonics, (which should actually be spelled fawniks, shouldn't it?) and spell things any way you want to.

This also means you can bypass using that pesky spell checker, and wasting all that time looking words up in a dictionary. That will just confuse you any way! and delay your next effort at writing really bad erotica. Your public awaits you! Do not delay! Just crank it out and sendit out. That way youdon't have all those correcshuns to make and u can rite moar bad eritika soonr.

Point of View: This is a fancy writer's term that has to do with the "voice" of the story. An example of a point of view is the sentence:

"I was walking down the street one day and saw a woman who had 36D cup tits above hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap zone. She sauntered up to me, checking me out, and said she'd never seen a package like mine before and wanted to know if I had a 12" cock under that killer six pack of mine."

That is in the first person past tense narrative point of view, or at least I think that's what Miss Simmons called it when I was in grade school some fifty years ago.

To put that sentence in third person past tense narrative POV, it would be "He was walking down the street one day and saw a woman who had 36D cup tits above hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap zone. She sauntered up to him, checking him out, and said she'd never seen a package like his before and wanted to know if he had a 12" cock under that killer six pack of his."

Another really popular POV is first person present tense. In that it would be "I am walking down the street and I see a woman with 36D cup tits and hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap zone. She saunters up to me, and is checking me out, and says that she's never seen a package like mine before and asks me if I have a 12" cock under my killer six pack." This point of view will be real easy for you to use if you twitter, since that's the voice almost everybody uses for that.

Did I get that right? Twitter is pretty new fangled to me. If you use it are you a twit? And if you did it yesterday are you a twat? Anyway, you get my drift.

Then there's the one I know you've all seen before. I don't actually know what it's called in technical terms, but it pretends that the author somehow knows what is actually happening to YOU and has somehow magically written it down before it happened, so you can feel like it really IS happening as you read it: "You're walking down the street and you see a woman with 36D cup tits and hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap zone. She saunters up to you, checking you out, and says that she's never seen a package like yours before and asks you if you have a 12" cock under that killer six pack of yours."

I can really get into that voice, because it feels so much like it's really, actually, happening to me as I read it. I can hardly wait to yell: "Of COURSE I have a 12" cock!" except that it would have to be written: "You say 'Of course you have a 12' cock!" which kind of sounds like I'm telling her that of course SHE has a 12" cock ... but maybe it's a transgender story, so it's all cool.

Anyway, in real literature, the eggheads seem to think that the POV should be the consistent throughout the story.

But that's a pain in the ass. Instead, you should mix the voices all up. Use past tense where it looks good, and present tense where you think it illuminates the plot better. And keeping track of all that first person, second person, third person crap is tedious too. It's as confusing as first, second and third cousins, and trying to figure out exactly what relationship they are to you and whether you can fuck them and not get arrested or not.

Just tell the story. I'll show you what I mean. I'll use the scene we've been using already and just let my muse take over, like happened in that super hot sex scene up above. That way you can see how that works again. Guys, better get a bath towel or milk carton so you're ready, cause you're gonna bust a nut as you read this for sure!!! Ladies ... shit! Sorry. BITCHES! You're allowed to just go get a clean pair of panties, cause your old ones will be soaked in a minute. And if you're one of those super hot bitches who don't wear panties, I hear Bounty is the quicker picker upper. Just stuff five or six sheets between your legs, cause this is gonna rock the little man in your boat, baby!

OK * pant pant * Here we go:

I was walking along one day and I see this chick with monster tits. I mean they have to be 38 tripple Es, or maybe just double Hs, but anyway she had these hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap zone. So she's sauntering up to me and was going to check me out and looked at my package and had said "I never saw anything like that! I bet you must have had a 12" cock! under that awesome, rippling, board flat, killer six pack of yours!!!" So I say "You bet it's 12" long, baby, but if you doubt me I'll measure it in your sweet cunt." Then she said "You're imagining hooking up with me and slipping that Coke can sized monster in my poor tight cunt!?! No way Ho-say, cause my name is Judy and I'm a virgin and that massive thing would feel like a baseball bat in my cunt!!!" and I say "I did, but I was so hot that I'm popping a nut in my shorts almost!!!" So she is dragging me into the alley, because she couldn't wait and she decides to warn me. "My cunt was only eight inches long, and I am not gonna be on any protection, so you have to promise that you'll get pulled out before you can penetrate my cervix and spray my fertile, defenseless womb with an egg in it full of the white stuff that makes babies." "Sure thing, Baby," I am saying and I lied her down in the alley and fucked her hard." "Oh YEAH!!! she's screaming. Fuck me hard!!!" He said he was about to cum and she's saying you promised!!! but he cumed in her anyway. "Oooo I'm changing my mind!" she says. You knew you would, he grunted. "Take that, bitch, I'm knocking you up with twins!!!" "You bastard! she screeched" "I love you! Don't ever stop?"

Now THAT is really bad erotica. But just check the area below your killer six pack. I bet that 12" cock of yours is all hard right now, even though you cummed right in the middle of that story, right?!? And you sluts. I bet you need a mop to go with those paper towels.

Did you notice how my muse threw in a few of the other techniques I mentioned already. It's just habit by now. Hmmmm. I just realized ... that's a pretty good story. Why don't you go take another snack break and clean up from your massive beat off sessions while I think up a title for it and get it posted.

OK, I'm back. That brings up the concept of selecting titles. For that last one I used a time honored favorite: "Judy's first time." It made sense since, in the story, she was telling me about how she's only got an 8" cunt that she'd never done it before either, and that her name is Judy. For the official version that I posted I put some extra stuff in there about how her nipples poked holes in her shirt and her panties were all wet. Oh yeah, and that she was panting. It made it a little long, but I covered that by putting the "slow" code on it.

But, like that title, your titles need to have as little imagination as possible. "Me and Mom" is a good example. That's so you can make the reader just crazy insane to see what the story might be about. I mean everybody has a Mom, right? So they'll be thinking that maybe it's you and THEIR mom. "Cindy's Sixteenth Birthday" is another example. Almost everybody knows some girl named Cindy, so they're on board from the very beginning, thinking you know the same Cindy and got lucky with her, even though they didn't. And if you're having trouble thinking up a title, just go on Literotica and use one of the titles that's there. They list the identical ones all together, which is nice for seeing which titles are the most unimaginative and popular.

3. The next part of writing really bad porn that I'll talk about in this lesson is a combination of the things that amount to the presentation of your story to the public. We've already mentioned the title, so I won't go into that again. But you also need what's called a "teaser" and some codes. The teaser is where you have a little synopsis to tease the reader into opening your story. Like for "Cindy's Sixteenth Birthday" you might write a teaser like this:

Cindy turns sweet sixteen and gets a really big, long, hard present!!!

That will make almost everybody open your story, so they can see what that big present was. Maybe it was a baseball bat and she'll stick it up her cunt!

Of course you can go the mysterious route, and not put any teaser at all. I once saw a story titled "Phyllis" and there was no teaser, and the only code listed was "M/F." Let me tell you the mystery of that one had me on pins and needles until I was able to get that story open and start reading it. Phyllis only had 32AA cup tits, though, so I quit reading, cause I'm a tit man and I was looking for something with at least 34Bs in it, you know? I forget who wrote that one, but if you did and you're reading this, just do an edit and give Phyllis a pair of knockers like the front bumper of a '56 Buick and I'll give the story another try. I still wonder what happened to Phyllis sometimes.

The thing about codes is that it can give away the surprise ending to your story. Like if you do a story titled "My Hot Sister" and then put in the inc (incest) code, everybody and their sister is going to know that you get it on with your sister in the story, and maybe that's supposed to be a big surprise. So it's OK to leave that code out in that case. And if you really want to surprise your readers, leave out the anal code too, and the rape code from where the football players all pull a train on her because it's her sixteenth birthday and she's never been butt fucked before. But she likes it in the end. No pun intended there.

I used to try to put all the applicable codes in when I first started writing, but I got a complaint one time about one of my stories that had a whole bunch of codes in it. The guy who wrote said that by the time he got finished reading the codes, it was past his bedtime and he didn't get any of the story read that night. So go light on the codes if you want people to actually read your really bad erotica. The exception, of course, is when you post something valuable like this guide. In a scholastic effort like this one, you should always be precise about the codes. That's why I coded this guide "drunk/drugged," because people might not actually be able to tell that I was wasted on my ass while I wrote it.

4. The last thing I want to mention may seem strange to you, because it has to do with not offending the religious right in your audience. I don't mean that they're religious and they're correct. I mean they believe in things on the far right of the political religious spectrum.

Now I know some of you are saying right now "Why do I care about a bunch of religious freaks? I'm writing porn here!"

Take a breath here, because while this may seem counter intuitive (that means 'hard to believe' for you GED types) I'm here to tell you that the religious right is probably more than half of your readership.

Now you're saying "Say what?!?"

And I'm saying "It's TRUE! Let me explain!"

And you're saying ...

Well, we all know what we're saying, so let me just go on. The fact is that they take polls all the time that clearly show that between 75 and 80% of all respondents claim they are affiliated with organized religion. That means, basically, that they're Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Hindu. It's actually probably higher than that, but we don't know because Buddhists don't answer questions in polls. They're too busy contemplating their navels. If I left anybody out, it wasn't on purpose. You can send me hate mail if it makes you feel better. The religious right excells in writing hate mail, and I treasure every one I get.

Anyway, then these pollsters waited a month or something like that and went back to the same people with a different polling guy. He didn't mention religion at all. All he did was ask people if, during the last thirty days, they had intentionally accessed porn on the internet. And he promised their answers would remain anonymous. 72% of them admitted they download porn on purpose. Sixty-something percent admitted they do it regularly, which means once a week or more.

So what that means is that 72% of the 75-80% of the population that is affiliated with organized religion, also intentionally download porn.

OK, so I'm no good at statistics, but you can take it to the bank that a LOT of religious nuts are going to be reading your masterpiece. So you need to know about one of the kinks those religious nuts have. It's called prayer. Most of them do that, no matter what branch of religiousness they adhere to.

And when they pray, they address their deity. I'm only going to talk about the Christians here, because it would get kind of drawn out if I went with the equal opportunity thing. And I have a sneaking suspicion that God is God, no matter what you call him, you know?

Anyway, the Christians have basically two forms of address when they talk to their deity. Those are "God" and "Jesus." I know that the Catholics pray to just about everybody under the sun, but they always ask whoever they're praying to, to have a word with God or Jesus, so it's kind of the same thing.

So the point is that you need to sprinkle your dialogue with as many references to the deities as possible, so as to attract the attention of this vast audience. While you are writing about things that, in public, they scream are disgusting and perverted, be sure to have your characters say things like "Jesus fucking Christ on a crutch, suck me harder!" If that seems a little fancy, just "Oh God! Suck me harder." Or "Jesus, Baby, you're sucking the whole thing!" may do the trick. If it's a woman just substitute "fuck" for "suck" and it will still work. After all, they couldn't possibly be so stupid as to think you mean those things LITERALLY. I mean why would Jesus even need crutches? Oh yeah ... those holes in his feet. What was I thinking?

But you don't actually mean you want God to fuck you, or that Jesus is sucking the whole thing, even though that's how they're phrased. And all those "Oh God!" sentences aren't actually the character addressing God and saying "Look at what I'm doing, God!" And do you think it really IS possible that when Mr. Jenkins, the middle school teacher is fucking little seventh grade Heather on his desk at school and he moans "This is Heaven!!!" that he thinks that really COULD be what Heaven will be like?

No, of course not. I mean if you really meant all that stuff that way you'd probably get struck by lightning or ... even worse ... you might have to live under one of those Republican govenments or something. I mean THAT's what Hell must really be like, right?

Anyway, back to sprinkling your porn with words like God and Jesus, and sentences that, taken literally, sound like the beginnings of prayers. Surely that won't be a squick to the majority of your readership. In fact, I bet most of them really love seeing the address of God and Jesus in there, because they love thinking about God and Jesus, so you should remind them that God and Jesus are watching them read porn so they can repent later and be saved again from their sin. No way will they click away from it because they actually think it's blasphemy or it distracts them and makes them feel guilty, or something stupid like that. I mean people like that wouldn't read dirty stories in the first place, right? Everybody knows those people are all perfect just because they say they're Christians.

And while you're at it, don't be a fucking bigot either. God and Jesus aren't the only deities out there, you know. Let's have a little equal opportunity. Throw in an "Oh Allah! Fuck me harder!" or a "Vishnu damn it that feels good!" every once in a while. Instead of "Jesus fucking Christ!" why not "Mohammed fucking prophet!" When that one guy selling that one brush sees that woman's one titty fall out of that robe, he can say "Moses!" instead of "Jesus!"

It makes just as much sense and will make you stand out in the originality department.

It might also build your readership of Jews and Muslims and Hindu folks. Just don't upload any naked pictures with your story. If a Muslim sees a picture of a naked woman he has to commit suicide. I saw that on the internet, so it must be true, and the last thing you want to do is kill off your readers.

That's about it. I guess, in summing up, I'd say that all you really need to write super bad erotica is a total lack of imagination and originality, along with the willingness to be as tasteless as humanly possible, and ignore the fact that you have no writing skills, and a limited vocabulary. If you can do all that then you're a natural for this.

And if you think I'm lying, just go open the first ten stories you come to at any porn site anywhere on the net. (Let's just not open any Lubrican stories for this, OK?) I guarantee you that at least eight of them will be really bad. You'll see the techniques I talked about in this tutorial too.

And then you can stop stroking that twelve inch, Coke can sized cock and start using your fingers to write erotica that will put you on the road to fame and femdom.

And if you're wondering why I was willing to share all these secrets, and thereby possibly create a whole shit-pot of competition for my readers ... well ... I have faith in myself. I KNOW how bad I am. Bring it on, sucker. Do your worst.

I'll leave your twelve inch cock dragging in the dirt, futhermucker.

Write on!


The End