Beating Off Bob's Guide To Writing Really Bad Erotica
by Beating Off Bob
Author's comment:
First, a little background for those of you who have only been reading my stories for the last couple of years. I started my "career" in 2005, using the pen name "Beating Off Bob."
In November of 2007, for a variety of reasons, I retired that name and
adopted the one I've been using ever since then. That, of
course, is Robert Lubrican. Both are odd names and it's a long story. Unless you're a
philosopher it's not all that interesting, so let me go on.
Now I am generally a man of my word, and I know I said that Beating Off
Bob retired when I changed my pen name to Lubrican. But the
following material definitely came from the mind of Beating Off Bob,
who still lurks around in the back of my skull somewhere. And
because he so clearly took over while I wrote this, I decided to give
him the credit and post it that way.
Finally, this tutorial is dedicated to George, who never feels bad
about pointing out where I MAY have failed to clear the bar, so to
speak ... on those incredibly rare occasions where I may, in fact, have
grazed the bar. I know it's hard to believe, but I do make
the odd mistake here and there. And George has pointed out
enough of them that I thought others might learn from ... um ... well
let's just call them my mistakes.
That way I won't get hate mail from a couple hundred other authors.
Bob
We start with a definition.
Squick: A term of the vernacular that is the opposite of
"kink" when applied to reading erotica. A reader chooses the
story based on his or her kink(s). The reader usually dumps
the story based on a squick.
The word is commonly believed to have derived from the sound made by
the tentacle of the giant squid as it slithers toward someone who is
about to be sucked down into the depths to an unimaginably horrible and
painful death. An alternative origin is that it combines the
words "squeamish" and "sick" (as in ill). Example:
"This story is making me squeamish and sick at my stomach. I
think I'll quit reading it and go power vomit for a while instead."
Obviously, such people are wimps, with no backbone, but what can you
say?
Now, just about anybody who's ever read a dirty story has said these
words: "Sheeeeit, I could do better than that!" The vast majority of them say it out loud.
Now, lest you think I'm talking through my hat about this, let me tell
you I have evidence that this is true. A LOT of people have
written to me and said that in print, after saying it aloud at home
while reading one of my stories.
So right off the bat let's get it straight that I'm an expert on
writing really bad erotica. I have years of experience with
the writing of bad erotica. I got all that
experience after reading a ton of porn online and saying
"Sheeeeit! I could do better than that!"
So this isn't some lame info-mercial where I'm trying to get you to
send me money for something you don't really need, or would use twice
and then put on a shelf forever. Not at all.
With the very valuable information I am about to give you - absolutely
free, by the way - you can begin a career that can last
decades. And let's face it, folks. There
is nothing more exciting than being on your death bed and being able to
confess to the relatives gathered around that DaddyBigDick (or other
pen name you think is even more clever and catchier than that one) ...
is actually YOU! The silver lining of that little
cloud is that you'll pick up an additional fifteen or twenty new
readers after you croak. At least if you have a large family.
Now, if you've done any reading of any kind on the internet, (and you
obviously have, since you're reading this,) you've already realized
there are hundreds of thousands of authors out there with minimal, if
any talent. These are the people you're going to be
competing with, and it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Well
... come to think of it ... in many cases it's a dog-eat-woman's-pussy
world ... but you know what I mean.
You're going to have to work really hard to be bad enough for people to
actually take notice of you.
Ok, so the first thing you have to do is decide what genre you're going
to produce bad erotic stories for. You need to be specific.
You can't just decide you're a generic paraphiliac.
Paraphilia is kind of the umbrella term that the non-perverts
use. It means, basically, a psychosexual disorder in which
sexual gratification is obtained through highly unusual practices that
are harmful or humiliating to others or socially repugnant.
In other words, you're a pervert, and want to appeal to some kink.
Of course these kinks are not socially repugnant to you, but you know
how dictionaries work ... you don't get to pick the words used in a
definition. So don't get too wrapped around the
axle at how the non-perverts see things.
Vegetarianism is socially repugnant to some of us, and it's not really
a "bad" thing at all, right?
The sky's the limit here, because there are a lot of sick fucks out
there who like the most unbelievable kinds of themes. Take for instance the baby fuckers. These are the folks who like to read about adults fucking infants. The infant, even though she can't talk,
somehow manages to seduce the adult and convince him that this is a
delightful pastime ... never mind the practically arterial bleeding and
lifelong physical trauma. Another really fucked up one is the
cannibal kink. I once saw a story about a woman who, on her
wedding night, was raped, tortured, gang-banged, had fourteen orgasms,
ended up begging for it and then was cut up and eaten. And
her groom had to watch! But they didn't kill him.
They just ate his dick and balls. That's where they get their
power from, you know.
But if you'd rather keep to something a little less adventurous, there
are some tamer genres out there. Some examples are incest, first time,
slut wife/wimp husband, BDSM (without the murder and all that stuff,)
young love, romance and so on. You probably already
have your favorite, but by no means should you stick with
that. The very worst erotica is written by people who've
never engaged in whatever activity they're writing about, so you might
want to branch out a little. For instance, one of the worst
authors I know is a male who specializes in writing about lesbian
experiences. I myself write extensively about pregnancy and
trust me ... I've never been pregnant even once.
Now I must mention that there are two categories of erotica:
fantasies and true stories. You can't really tell
the difference if the writing is really bad. In
both types the male will have a penis that is impossibly
large. "As big around as a Coke can" is one of my favorite
descriptions. And the women are always beautiful
and have "massive" breasts. If, for some strange reason they
don't have huge breasts, then their nipples are long enough and stiff
enough to be used as pitons during an afternoon mountain
climb.
Well, now that I've thought about it, perhaps we should restate the two
categories of erotica. They are fictional ... and
lies.
There. Now we can move on.
So ... what's the first thing you should do to begin writing really bad
erotica? Well, a very wise man once said "There is nothing
new under the sun." So let's start this way:
1. Pick a plot that's been done six hundred thousand
times. Here are a few examples:
a. The UPS guy knocks, and wifey (just
out of the shower, of course) answers the door in a robe that suddenly
comes loose. Within two paragraphs they're fucking on the
floor.
b. Young male is caught by his
sister beating off. She's curious and has never seen anything
like this. She demands to watch, and threatens to tell the
parents if he doesn't let her. He demands that she
do it too while she watches. They strip, get hot and bothered
and within five paragraphs they're fucking on the bed.
c. Older male is caught by his
daughter beating off. See 'b' above, except the threat is to
tell wifey.
d. Older woman (mother or
possibly librarian) catches younger male beating off. She
then takes pity on him and, since he is obviously inexperienced, fucks
his socks off. To move the plot forward she should
masturbate him herself, preferably on the same page she catches him
on. After that you can move more slowly as she
continues his education, but within five pages it is mandatory that
they be fucking like rabbits.
e. Wifey goes out with her
friends on a special occasion to a strip club where there's a black
dancer with a schlong that requires a crane to maneuver. Six
paragraphs later they're fucking, either on stage, or in the dressing
room.
f. A birthday party ... any
birthday party. It doesn't matter whose birthday it
is. All that matters is that they wanted sex from one of the
relatives at the party. The phrase "This is what I
really wanted for my birthday" has to be in there somewhere.
If you want to be wild and crazy, you can substitute that phrase with
"This is what I really wanted to give you for your birthday."
g. The camping trip, in any of
its derivations. Mom is stuck in the woods with her horny
sons, or Dad is stuck in the woods with his horny daughter and from one
to five of her nubile friends. If it's an attempt to rip off
the Girl Scout Nookie theme, you can have more
girls. In the free-for-all version there are both
parents, sons and daughters AND all their friends. The first
sex must take place in a sleeping bag which is magically large enough
for two, and if you want to keep the reader's attention, it should be
the first night.
h. The lonely bride.
On her perfect day the groom gets trashed and can't perform his sexual
duties on the wedding night. Enter father-in-law, best man,
brother, father, or a black bellboy with a schlong the size of New
Hampshire, who then does what the groom should be doing. It's
optional as to whether to have her beg for it, or resist ineffectually
until she realizes she loves this strange dick in
her. She's always unprotected and fertile, since
they planned the whole wedding around her getting pregnant on the first
night. This is a story in the 'slow' genre, meaning you can
go four or five pages until the sex acts start taking place.
i. The friend who steals your
wife. Must be told from the husband's point of
view. He describes how his best friend seduces his wife,
usually while hubby is sleeping or pretending to sleep in the same
room. The wife resists, of course, but once she sees his
friend's horse cock dragging the floor, can't resist just a little
taste. She becomes enslaved immediately, naturally, and lets
the friend have her any time he feels like it. The narrator
almost always tries to fuck her afterwards, but feels like he's trying
to put his dick in a fifty-five gallon barrel. If you want a
blockbuster, have the friend seduce his daughter(s) too. This
is also a slow type story, meaning no sex for the first dozen
paragraphs.
j. The friend in
need. Happy couple is unhappy because hubby can't
get her pregnant. So they call in a friend to do what hubby
isn't man enough to do. There may not be any
selection process other than the husband, who is always ecstatic with
the idea of some other dude impregnating his wife, saying something
like "How about Steve? You've always thought he was
hot." There are two versions of this
theme. In one hubby watches and is the cheerleader.
In the other he doesn't watch, but listens in to the sounds of wifey
being unimaginably satisfied. In that one she uses phrases
like "You're so much bigger than wimpy," or "Wimpy never made me feel
this wonderful!" In either
case, the friend ends up with wifey because he's a real
man. And, in either case, the woman must be having
an orgasm and not quite getting pregnant yet within the fourth
paragraph after she meets the future father of her child.
This can be a very long story if it takes a few months for Studly to
knock her up and has to fuck her every day and in every room of the
house.
k. The just-plain-slut
wife. This is a woman - any woman - who for totally
inexplicable reasons cannot do without some man's dick other than her
husband's. The only variety allowed in a story like this is
whose dick she can't do without. If you want to torture the
reader you can have her resist her urges for a few pages, but once she
gives in there must be a minimum of two sex acts per page for the rest
of the story. The only suspense allowed is whether hubby will
catch her in the act or not.
l. The vacation gone
wrong. In this one the happy couple goes off to some island
somewhere, where the plan is to relax and have a great time.
This one allows for a lot of creativity in terms of copying the way
wifey gets seduced by the bell boy, or bartender, or random stranger,
almost always a native, and who is there only because he spends all his
days seducing white female tourists. Usually hubby is either
tricked into going fishing, or doing something else which requires him
to leave wifey behind because she wouldn't be interested in doing it
with him, even though they're on vacation together. So she's
bored and an easy mark for the semi-professional, usually black
employee of the resort who offers free massages, or scuba lessons or
whatever. Like I said, you can be really creative, just like
the half million other people were when they wrote this
story. The only real requirement here is that wifey gets
addicted to her new plaything and uses it to get her pregnant before
she leaves.
j. The breakdown or hitchhiker
scenario. The car breaks down. Either
there's nobody around for miles and the woman has to hitchhike, or
somebody shows up to "help" her. In either case, she has to
pay with sex, because that's all she has with her of a semi monetary
nature. An alternate version of this is where she
walks to a house to use the phone and ends up staying the night in the
house which, of course, contains at least five horny men who all get a
shot at her. Bad weather is a common excuse for the
having to stay all night thing.
k. The work slut, who can be
either male or female. It doesn't matter what sex they are,
because the boss will be the opposite sex. The employee, who
is always gloriously happily married, and has never cheated on anybody,
is put in a position of fear for his or her job. Then the
boss says "We're going to fuck or you're fired." This is NOT
a slow type story. In fact, the work slut doesn't even have
to be actually hired yet when he or she is first fucked. It
can be part of the interview process. The boss says something
like "I need a secretary who speaks English, and has massive tits like
yours and a mouth that will hold my coke can sized prick while I cum
buckets. You really need this job. I can
tell. So strip, baby and let's see if you qualify for the
position." After that, of course, the work slut
gets fucked every day, especially at parties, where the spouse is also
present.
l. The pedophile, or Lolita
plot, where the otherwise perfectly normal man finds pre-pubescent
girls, with no tits at all and skinned knees and such, to be incredibly
attractive. They find him attractive too, as
demonstrated by the eight-to-eleven year olds who prance around in high
heels and see through nightgowns they get from Tarts 'R' Us or
someplace like that. These girls may not have a single female
attribute, but they have women's intuition, because they not only know
all about sex, but they're craving to have it with this comparative
geezer. After they get porked by grandpa, then they can have
sex with all the boys in the neighborhood, especially the high school
seniors who live on the wrong side of the tracks. In the
blockbuster version the first girl is so ecstatic about having an adult
prick in her little girl pussy that she brings all her little friends
over and gets them broken in too.
m. And, I'll cut this off with
the time honored home invasion theme, where Bubba and Jake break into
the house and, instead of just stealing stuff, they spend the night
(and the next couple of days if you're REALLY bad at this) making daddy
fuck his daughter, and raping mommy while daddy is tied to a chair with
toothpicks holding his eyes open so he has to watch. Brother
has to fuck both mom and sis. You can really spice this up by
having junior have a bigger schlong than dad which, of course, mom gets
addicted to. I was thinking about using this plot one time where right in the middle of getting her ashes hauled, mom blurts
out that her baby boy's huge willy must be the result of the fact that
Uncle Bud is actually his father, and everybody knows how well hung
Uncle Bud is.
Now don't you go and steal that idea.
These are but a few of the worn out plot ideas that have been done so
many times you couldn't possibly come up with a fresh take on
them. That's what you're looking for - something that you can
pretend you're going to do "much better" than eleventy-nine other
people have already done. A few people wanted me to us the
NIS theme in this section, but that would be disrespectful to a
time-honored and popular erotic theme that could ALWAYS use another
story about Jack and Jill, Naked In School because the Government wants
them that way.
Come to think of it, with the Democrats in charge now ... it could
happen! It would be part of the green movement, to cut down
on the energy used to make, and launder clothes. You could
opt out, but there would be a tax for that. After all it's
just another attempt to save the planet. And in the spirit of
bipartisan politics, it wouldn't be called NAKED in school.
It would be called GREEN in school.
No! Wait! You could call it Cape and
Trade. You buy the right to cape your body. If you
want to go nude you trade your right to wear clothing to whoever can
pay for it. And just like Cap and Trade in the energy
industry penalizes the poor people in this country, Cape and
Trade in the GIS program would penalize the ugly people, who would HAVE
to pay more to cover up their ugliness or suffer being laughed out of
school.
But I digress. This is supposed to be about BAD erotica, and
that's a whale of a good idea.
Don't go and steal that one either, OK?
2. OK, so you've decided what to write about. Next,
you need to make it as difficult to read as possible. I'll
break this down into sections.
Paragraphs: A good start is
not to use paragraphs at all. Just write and let the computer
wrap things around. You'll get done eventually, and can put
"The End" on its own line.
If you're trying to be high brow about it, you can just write
reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy
long paragraphs. Try to change locations in the
story within the same paragraph as the previous location, if
possible. That's confusing as hell, just like that last
sentence was. See how this works?
If you accidentally write paragraphs of reasonable length, you can undo
that by leaving out blank lines between them. Try
not to indent if you do that. It has the same effect as one
long paragraph if you do it right.
Characters: Your stories have to have characters, but don't
make the mistake of making any of them interesting enough to take
attention away from the sex. I mean the only reason people
read this stuff (erotica) is for the sex, right? After all, YOUR
rendering of the sex act can't help but be completely unique and
fascinating to those who have read about every possible type of sex act
ten or twenty thousand times already.
Now, just like plots, it's really easy to use the same characters over
and over again. All you do is change the name from one story
to the next. All young girls should be impossibly innocent,
never having heard of semen or sperm ... sorry, I mean cum ... in her
life. If you live in one of those states that has a
law about how any female character that's exposed to sexual behavior
has to be eighteen for the story to be legal, that's OK.
Don't worry about it. Your eighteen year olds can just act
like eleven year olds and it will still work out
fine. Part of reading fiction is what they call
"suspending your disbelief." That's fancy talk for "That
couldn't happen in a million years, but I'm going to believe it's
possible anyway." You do that all the time when you watch a
movie like "Die Hard With A Vengeance." Bruce never runs out
of bullets and things that would kill any ordinary man just make him
bleed a little. I love that movie because I get to suspend my
disbelief so much.
What I'm saying is that the readers will suspend their disbelief so the
women in your story can be like they're supposed to be.
So all your female characters need to be the kind who say "What's that
white stuff coming out of your pee pee? Is it the stuff that makes
babies?" or something like that, OK? At least at
first. Once they become nymphomaniacs (see fifth paragraph
down from here) then their legs should spring apart at the drop of a
hat and they must be willing to share the guy with twelve of their
friends.
Try not to mix types here, because it's confusing to the
reader. If your main female character is a cheating wife,
then she needs to share him with twelve other cheating wives.
If she's a virgin cheerleader, then he needs to pop the cherries of the
whole squad. And if you're so stubborn as to have one
cheerleader who had had sex before, or one wife who has cheated before,
then you have to have them be eager for him be the first one to fuck
their assholes.
The females should also instinctively crave sucking a twelve inch cock
and be able to become expert at it, including deep throating, within
two paragraphs of first parting their tender lips above the apple sized
ruby red tip of his massive cock.
I threw in a little colorful language there, which I really shouldn't
have to mention. It's instinct for all authors to use it.
Oh yeah, the women all have to swallow and compare it to something
yummy, like Tapioca pudding, or banana cream pie or whatever.
Now, as for your male characters, who of course have twelve inch cocks,
they must be suave and debonair. For you southern authors
that's what you pronounce as swave and de-boner. But the
male's primary talent is the ability to bust a cherry,
causing agonizing screeches of pain which are replaced almost instantly
by hip-humping, lust-crazed nymphomania because of his astounding skill
at fucking.
It's important for your men to be manly men, which means no pansy ass
tenderness on their part. They should only refer to the women
as bitches and sluts, since all women crave to be addressed that
way. It really turns them on when a man disrespects them
completely. That's probably where water sports and scat comes
from too, but I'm not sure. I've never been actually able to
find anybody who would admit they like being pissed and shit
upon. That's an interesting way to meet people, by the
way. Just carry around a clipboard and pencil. If
you can borrow some glasses and a bow tie it's even better.
Then just walk up to people and say "I'm doing a survey for the
Sexualogical Institute of Common Kinks. Do you like your partner to
shit and piss on you during sex?" Try to look really
interested. You might make some new friends. I
almost guarantee you that if you approach a couple this way, the male
will be into sadism, and he'll demonstrate how much he loves his
kink. It can be very educational. You need good
health insurance before you do this, though.
Another thing about the men that's absolutely required is that they be
able to get another boner almost immediately after squirting through
their first one. If you really want the ladies to flock to
your story, have him squirt and not even go soft at all before he
squirts again. And if you want a blockbuster, have all your
men under the age of forty take Viagra before they fuck, so that it
will stay hard for twenty-four hours. I know Viagra doesn't
work like that, but your younger readers ... the ones under forty who
don't need Viagra ... won't know the difference. And if some
jerk tells them it's not true, they'll just suspend their
disbelief. Who knows, they might even go find some on the
black market to see if it really works.
Not quite as important, but also required, is that when the men cum,
they be able to fill one of those half pint milk cartons like they have
in the school cafeteria. Not that they're going to squirt in
a milk carton, of course. It just has to be that much, and
delivered in fifteen or twenty strong spurts that the woman can feel
"bursting against her cervix." One of my personal
favorites is to have the guy stick his cock through her cervix, and
squirt right inside the womb, which I'm told is physically impossible,
but this is fiction anyway so suspend your fucking disbelief,
OK? It's a hot idea, and that's what erotica is all about.
OK, it's not so hot an idea to the ladies, who say the pain of that
would be similar to a birth contraction, but I'm writing for all those
horny guys out there anyway. Mostly. I love you
ladies too. That's why I give all the male characters twelve
inch cocks.
If you're writing a story with the slow code in it, then the women can
play hard to get for between ten and twenty paragraphs. I
wouldn't go longer than that before she gets naked and begs to be
fucked by a twelve inch cock, or you might lose the reader.
If you want a REALLY slow story, you'll have to fill in all those
uninteresting paragraphs with really snappy dialog, which will be
covered in the next section of this tutorial. Suffice it to
say that erotica is all about sexual action, and I mean constant sexual
action. You need to mirror what real life is actually
supposed to be like, which means that your characters should be having
sex at least half a dozen times a day.
If half a dozen times a day every day of the week seems the tiniest bit
excessive, then you can back off to only four times a day, but
compensate by giving him the stamina of a porn star. If
you've ever watched a porn video, we all know the guy can fuck for at
least an hour before he feels the urge to cum, so have your men do
that. They can fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and
fuck and fuck and fuck and change positions and fuck and fuck and
fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and change positions again and
fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck
some more. That's REALLY interesting to all the
readers. I bet you're hard right now just from reading
that. Or wet. You didn't think I'd forget you
bitches out there, did you?
Lastly, don't be afraid to challenge your readers a bit on the mental
gymnastics front. If your main male protagonist starts out
named Roger, change it to Ralph about halfway through and use that for
a few pages. Then go back to Roger. It just cracks
me up when I imagine how the reader has to go back and read something a
dozen times to try to figure out what the fuck just happened, and who
the hell Ralph is. If you don't want to change the women's
names, just change the color of her nipples, or make her have a big
nasty bush in one place, after she was shaved clean in another
place. You won't get bored and neither will your readers.
You get the most interesting feedback too.
Vocabulary: One of the best ways to write really
bad erotica is to restrict your vocabulary as much as
possible. If the only way you refer to a female's genitalia
is "cunt" then you don't have to remember how to spell
vagina. And that's a hoity-toity term anyway, just like
"penis" is. Cocks and cunts are words that are
unambiguous, which everybody understands. And if it ain't
broke, then why fix it?
Now it IS true that tens of thousands of readers find the term "cunt"
distasteful, and would prefer to think of the cunt you're writing about
as a "pussy" or "slit" or some other word that doesn't make them think
of something really skanky ... but who cares? We're writing
bad erotica here, not literature, right? On the
other hand, if you want to display the fact that you're erudite, you
can toss in the occasional "gash" ,"snatch" or "hatchet wound" just to
keep the same tone without being boring.
Whatever you do, stay away from anything approaching technical terms
such as vagina, penis, testicles, pudendum, labia majora and the
like. Everybody will think you're a doctor who's writing porn
on the side. They'll be giggling so hard they won't be able
to beat off while they read your masterpiece. If
you doubt me, just walk up to an average person and say the word
"Vagina" to them. They'll blush and get all giggly,
I promise. As a matter of fact, you can combine that with the
question about water sports and scat during your interviews with
strangers. You have a brilliant opening, and break the ice
right away. It might go like this.
"Hello. Vagina." (Leave some time for giggling here.) "So
tell me, how much fun is it for you when this big lug here shits and
pisses on you during sex?"
It is imperative that your descriptions of certain things involve the
kind of detail that prove you're an aficionado of things
sexual. For example, everybody knows that if you ask a woman
what size her bust is (sorry ... what size her tits are) that she'll
invariably answer with a number and letter. "I'm a 36C cup,"
she might say. So you can't just say she had 36
inch tits. That's not enough information. The
reader knows the difference to the millimeter between a 36 C cup and a
36 DD cup, and you want that image firm in his or her mind.
So you can't say she had nice full breasts that looked heavy.
You have to say she was endowed with a pair of 38 DD knockers, and that
if she went braless it looked like there was a pair of marmosets in her
shirt trying to eat their way out. That's classy.
We've already mentioned the extra large penis ... er cock ... that all
the men must have. Length is important.
Ten inches is a minimum, unless it's a fourteen year old boy, and then
you can get away with only making him nine inches
long. And, while most people aren't imaginative
enough to visualize comparing a dick to a Coke can, you can always opt
to make it as big around as the girl's wrist who is staring at
it. I'd say you should normally shy away from
giving a circumference for the member in question, such as "five inches
in diameter." First of all that's diameter instead
of circumference, and that will get people confused. And, if
you do that then the reader might feel compelled to go find a tape
measure and see how big around that really is. That's
distracting. If you like you can take the high road
and skip that altogether. In that case you can just
have the woman say something like "It feels like a ball
bat!" All women know what that's like, since all
women have obviously stuck a ball bat in their pussy ... I mean cunt
... before.
Kind of makes you wonder about all those people who taste something and
say "That tastes like shit!"
Hmmm ... maybe THOSE people are the ones who are into scat.
Never mind.
Now, because most of our hunched over, drooling readers have a limited
vocabulary, we don't want to tax them by using a lot of different
words. For that reason, it's good to use the same word over
and over, since it will already have been processed and won't make them
have to think about a new word. Let me give you an example:
One time there was this one guy who was really horny. He had
one job, which was to sell one brush every one day, so he knocked on
this one door and this one woman opened it. "Hi!" was one of
his opening lines. "Would you like to buy one of my brushes
today?" She had just come from one of the bathrooms, where
she was taking one shower, and had put on one of her robes which had
one belt loop missing. Her robe fell open, displaying one of
her 38C naked tits. "Oops," she moaned as her nipple
stiffened, getting long enough to hang one pair of bananas
on. "Wow," moaned this one guy. "I sure would like
to be the one to suck on that beautiful tit!" he moaned. "One
hoped you would," she moaned, her voice having one of those sultry
moaning overtones. She pulled him in and in one minute they
were fucking one another hard on the floor. "Oooo that was a
good one!" she moaned as she had one massive orgasm. "I'm
going to cum in one sweet pussy!" he groaned. "Wait
one minute, cause I'm not protected one bit!" she yelled. I
can't wait even one second!" he yelled back. He squirted one
time, and then one more time and then twelve more one times until he
had squirted enough to fill one of those half pint milk cartons and she
moaned in one ear about how she could feel his massive cock squirting
massive amounts of cum into her massively unprotected womb.
"I'm going to have one of your babies!" she shouted. "Just
one?" he shouted. "Your cock isn't going soft!" she
shouted. "I'm going to shoot one more time!" he shouted.
See how easy that is to read? And it's hot too!
Dialogue: Regardless of the paragraph style you torture your
audience with, whatever you do, don't give each line of dialogue its
own line or paragraph. That makes it WAY too easy to tell
what's going on and who's saying what. Here's an example:
Jill saw John and went up to him. "So what are you doing tonight?" "I
don't know." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "So?" "I was just
thinking of fucking your socks off." "But we've never even dated!" "I
know, but you're so hot and I have a twelve inch dick." "Oh well that's
different. Wear loose pants when you pick me up because if my
Mom sees it she'll want some too."
If you want to write the worst possible dialogue, leave out the
quotation marks. Here's what that looks like:
Jill saw John and waved. That's a lot of books. I
have a lot of homework. I could help with that.
It's really easy, but you can help. I can help in other ways
too. I have a twelve inch dick. Oooo I've always
wanted a twelve inch dick. I'm a virgin. Oooo I specialize in
virgins. Really? Would I lie about something like that?
Kids in high school should use phrases like "hook up", "checkin' me
out", "six pack" and "package" because that imparts realism to the
story, so that everybody will know that a really hip highschooler wrote
the story.
Of course really bad dialogue should have nothing whatsoever to do with
the plot, or lack of plot. There should be as much superfluous dialogue
as possible too. "What's up?" answered by "Not much, what's
up with you?" followed by "Did you see Becky today?" (where Becky has
nothing to do with the plot) answered by "Yeah, what a skank!" and then
added to by "She should get a life." What this does is show
the camaraderie of the two people talking so it's obvious they're
close. Then they can then get down to the nitty gritty of
hooking up and checking out some six packs before they decide to get to
the meat of the story which involves "So have you ever seen my twelve
inch dick? I'd like to show it to you." If you're
writing from the female's point of view it would be "So do you really
have a twelve inch dick? I've never seen a real one that
big. Could I see yours?"
I recommend pages and pages of inane dialogue before anything actually
happens. If you do that you can ignore my earlier comment
about line spacing and give each and every comment its own line, with a
line in-between, to stretch things out. You might even be
able to upgrade from "story" to "book." Pretty cool, huh?
Now the other part of dialogue is what they say during sex.
It's really easy, because everybody says exactly the same
thing. The women say: "Fuck me harder!!! Don't take
it out when you cum!!! I don't care if I get pregnant!!!" The
men say "Your pussy is so tight!!! Oh Baby you are one foxy lady!!!"
and "I'm gonna shoot 'cause you're making me too hot!!!" Both
of them use other colorful language that will be discussed in the last
part of this lesson. Be sure to overdo it on the punctuation
in this part!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A whole line of
exclaimation points really tells the reader something important is
going on.
If you think having the characters talk during sex is distracting, you
can always switch to the sounds of lust and love. They are:
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (foreplay, female)
* pant, pant * Uhhhhhhhh! (foreplay, male)
OHFUCKYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (male, popping cherry)
AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! (female, cherry being popped)
EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG! (regular sex, female)
OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! (regular sex, male)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!! (Orgasm, female)
PPPPPPFFFFFFFTTTTTTTNNNNNGGGGRRQEKSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Orgasm, male)
Try not to vary from these too much. You'll confuse the
reader if you do. But you CAN repeat every other line for
half a page if you want it to be a REALLY hot and drawn out sex
scene. Here's an example:
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" said Cindy Lou as Bubba sucked on one five
inch long cherry colored stiff nipple.
* pant, pant * "Uhhhhhhhh!" groaned Bubba as his twelve inch long coke
can sized prick ripped a hole in his survivialist kevlar tidy
whities. He was REALLY ready to
go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Cindy Lou as her
cherry was destroyed as Bubba's practically nuclear prick slashed her
gash but good.
"OHFUCKYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" shouted Bubba heroically as he
realized he was finally a real man. "I bet you love that,
Bitch!" he screamed.
"EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG," gasped Cindy Lou as the pain
suddenly vanished and she realized this was what she'd been born for.
"OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" panted Bubba as he sped
up. He was going to make it at least fourteen seconds before
he popped off with this bitch, if it was the last thing he
did. He deserved to set a new longevity record, and this cunt
deserved to be the recipient of it.
"EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG," panted Cindy Lou.
"OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" gasped Bubba.
"EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG," panted Cindy Lou.
"OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" gasped Bubba.
"EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG," panted Cindy Lou.
"OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" gasped Bubba.
"EEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHNNNNGGG," panted Cindy Lou.
"OHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" gasped Bubba.
Then it happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH" screamed Cindy Lou real loud
as she had an orgasm and changed her mind and decided THIS was what
she'd been born for!!!!!!!!!
"PPPPPPFFFFFFFTTTTTTTNNNNNGGGGRRQEKSH." Bubba was foaming at
the mouth as his gigantic baseball bat sized cock almost ruptured Cindy
Lou's entire body when it squirted a gallon of boiling hot cum directly
into her ovaries, where all the eggs practically exploded as Cindy Lou
became the mother of ... I don't know ... maybe THOUSANDS of babies all
at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Ten minute pause. The reader can go get a Coke, or a snack
or something. I'll be right back.]
Whew! I had to take a little break there. Going to
have to throw out THAT desk chair. You just can't save a desk
chair that's been soaked in THAT much cum. Sorry about
that. When you're writing this stuff sometimes you get
carried away. You'll know what I mean when you start writing
it yourself.
Punctuation: For exceptionally bad writing the easy
road is just not to worry about it there are so many rules that it's a
pain in the ass to pay attention to most of them nobody really pays
attention to the marks anyway right of course sometimes you really want
somebody to notice a particularly good gem of writing!!! That's when to
overuse punctuation!!! I mean it's the only way to really
draw attention to an important part of the story isn't
it!?! You can see that in this paragraph which I
punctuated just like I'm talking about!!! and yes I know I already
mentioned overusing the exclamation point but I didn't mention all the
other things and that wouldn't be fair to them That's why I'm devoting
a whole section to punctuation
On the other hand, you don't want to look stoopid, and a total lack of
punctuation might make it look that way to those really nit picky
readers out there. What I do is use as many commas as
possible. I have found that this endears me to no end to my
editor Peaches. Every time I send her a new masterpiece to
edit she screams "Fuck you, Bob, AND all your fucking COMMAS!"
See what I mean? My use of all those commas makes her so hot she wants
to fuck me. I haven't figured out what the "fucking
commas" part means. I don't know how you'd fuck a
comma. I'm leaning toward the idea that she likes a curved
penis ... I mean cock ... or something like that. I'll put
that in a story some time and see how she reacts.
It could be argued that apostrophes belong in the spelling section of
this tutorial, but I'm going to put them here, because they look like
punctuation to me. In fact, they look like punctuation that's
high on drugs.
Get it? High ...? That's a
joke. Readers love humor in a dirty story, as long as it
doesn't compete with the sex.
Anyway apostrophes and quotation marks are annoying because you have to
look up to see them. Words like it's, we're, you're and all
those words that end in 'nt are just a pain in the ass. So my
recommendation is to just leave them out. Your readers will
thank you for it. The added benefit is that nobody can write
to you and complain that you used "it's" where it was supposed to be
"its".
Well they CAN write to you, but your answer will be easy. "I
don't use fucking apostrophes, so sit on it and spin, loser!"
You have to be very firm with readers or they'll think they can say any
fucking thing. You can't call them "Bitch" or "Cunt" because
they might be a guy, and then you'd look stoopid so that's why you
should call them "Loser" which is a unisex word.
Spelling: SPELLING INVOLVES CAPITAL LETTERS SOMETIMES, AND IF
YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH LETTERS TO CAPITALIZE, JUST MAKE THEM ALL
CAPITALS. THAT WAY YOU DON'T LOOK STOOPID. of
course these days, with all the texting and tweeting going on, lots of
people don't use capital letters at all. that's just as good
and makes you look very modern and hip. just write
the whole thing in lower case (that's fancy talk for not using those
keys with "Shift" and "Caps Lock" printed on them.)
Also, since English isn't actually the official language of America,
and what with all these illegal aliens and ebonics, and spanglish and
slang and all that stuff, you can really just blow off trying to spel
things rite, cause everydoby can figger out whut you meen. I
mean you understood thys just fine, rite?
And if I said "Bobby vucked her so good she had a massive organism,"
you'd know exactly what I meant, right? It just doesn't have
to be spelled exactly right every single fucking tyme!
Besides. English is too complicated, so the really bad erotica author
has a chance to help shape the future by eliminating those troublesome
words that are pronounced the same, but spelled different.
Let's just pick one spelling and stick with it. Here's an
example.
sir lancealittle rode, down the rode, on his horse. your
going too slow!, he barked horsely, at the horse. Its a bumpy fucking
rode, said the horse. horses cant talk, grumbled
lancealittle. there not capabubble of that and everybody nos
it. merlin cast a spell on me, said the horse to his
night. your horse can talk, shouldnt you be glad? i dont no,
said the night, who was, of course, happy his ride woodnt be silent and
boring any more. he wondered if merlin couldnt cast a reverse
spell on gwenneveer so she wouldnt squeal so much during hot
sex. if such a spell could be carried over to every day
activities there wood be a lot of call for it.
See how that works? And people will get used to it really
fast. I no they will. The real benefit is that you
can claim to be using phonics, (which should actually be spelled
fawniks, shouldn't it?) and spell things any way you want to.
This also means you can bypass using that pesky spell checker, and
wasting all that time looking words up in a dictionary. That
will just confuse you any way! and delay your next effort at writing
really bad erotica. Your public awaits you! Do not
delay! Just crank it out and sendit out. That way
youdon't have all those correcshuns to make and u can rite moar bad
eritika soonr.
Point of View: This is a fancy writer's term that
has to do with the "voice" of the story. An example of a
point of view is the sentence:
"I was walking down the street one day and saw a woman who had 36D cup
tits above hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap
zone. She sauntered up to me, checking me out, and said she'd
never seen a package like mine before and wanted to know if I had a 12"
cock under that killer six pack of mine."
That is in the first person past tense narrative point of view, or at
least I think that's what Miss Simmons called it when I was in grade
school some fifty years ago.
To put that sentence in third person past tense narrative POV, it would
be "He was walking down the street one day and saw a woman who had 36D
cup tits above hips that would have to be parallel parked in a handicap
zone. She sauntered up to him, checking him out,
and said she'd never seen a package like his before and wanted to know
if he had a 12" cock under that killer six pack of his."
Another really popular POV is first person present
tense. In that it would be "I am walking down the
street and I see a woman with 36D cup tits and hips that would have to
be parallel parked in a handicap zone. She saunters up to me,
and is checking me out, and says that she's never seen a
package like mine before and asks me if I have a 12" cock under my
killer six pack." This point of view will be real easy for
you to use if you twitter, since that's the voice almost everybody uses
for that.
Did I get that right? Twitter is pretty new fangled to
me. If you use it are you a twit? And if you did it
yesterday are you a twat? Anyway, you get my drift.
Then there's the one I know you've all seen before. I don't
actually know what it's called in technical terms, but it pretends that
the author somehow knows what is actually happening to YOU and has
somehow magically written it down before it happened, so you can feel
like it really IS happening as you read it: "You're walking down the
street and you see a woman with 36D cup tits and hips that would have
to be parallel parked in a handicap zone. She saunters up to
you, checking you out, and says that she's never seen a
package like yours before and asks you if you have a 12" cock under
that killer six pack of yours."
I can really get into that voice, because it feels so much like it's
really, actually, happening to me as I read it. I can hardly
wait to yell: "Of COURSE I have a 12" cock!" except that it
would have to be written: "You say 'Of course you have a 12'
cock!" which kind of sounds like I'm telling her that of
course SHE has a 12" cock ... but maybe it's a transgender story, so
it's all cool.
Anyway, in real literature, the eggheads seem to think that the POV
should be the consistent throughout the story.
But that's a pain in the ass. Instead, you should mix the
voices all up. Use past tense where it looks good, and
present tense where you think it illuminates the plot better.
And keeping track of all that first person, second person, third person
crap is tedious too. It's as confusing as first, second and
third cousins, and trying to figure out exactly what relationship they
are to you and whether you can fuck them and not get arrested or not.
Just tell the story. I'll show you what I mean.
I'll use the scene we've been using already and just let my muse take
over, like happened in that super hot sex scene up above.
That way you can see how that works again. Guys, better get a
bath towel or milk carton so you're ready, cause you're gonna bust a
nut as you read this for sure!!! Ladies ...
shit! Sorry. BITCHES! You're
allowed to just go get a clean pair of panties, cause your
old ones will be soaked in a minute. And if you're
one of those super hot bitches who don't wear panties, I hear Bounty is
the quicker picker upper. Just stuff five or six sheets
between your legs, cause this is gonna rock the little man in your
boat, baby!
OK * pant pant * Here we go:
I was walking along one day and I see this chick with monster
tits. I mean they have to be 38 tripple Es, or maybe just
double Hs, but anyway she had these hips that would have to be parallel
parked in a handicap zone. So she's sauntering up to me and
was going to check me out and looked at my package and had said "I
never saw anything like that! I bet you must have had a 12"
cock! under that awesome, rippling, board flat, killer six pack of
yours!!!" So I say "You bet it's 12" long, baby, but if you
doubt me I'll measure it in your sweet cunt." Then
she said "You're imagining hooking up with me and slipping that Coke
can sized monster in my poor tight cunt!?! No way Ho-say,
cause my name is Judy and I'm a virgin and that massive thing would
feel like a baseball bat in my cunt!!!" and I say "I did, but I was so
hot that I'm popping a nut in my shorts almost!!!" So she is
dragging me into the alley, because she couldn't wait and she decides
to warn me. "My cunt was only eight inches long, and I am not
gonna be on any protection, so you have to promise that you'll get
pulled out before you can penetrate my cervix and spray my fertile,
defenseless womb with an egg in it full of the white stuff that makes
babies." "Sure thing, Baby," I am saying and I lied
her down in the alley and fucked her hard." "Oh
YEAH!!! she's screaming. Fuck me hard!!!" He said he was
about to cum and she's saying you promised!!! but he cumed in her
anyway. "Oooo I'm changing my mind!" she
says. You knew you would, he grunted.
"Take that, bitch, I'm knocking you up with twins!!!" "You
bastard! she screeched" "I love you! Don't ever stop?"
Now THAT is really bad erotica. But just check the area below
your killer six pack. I bet that 12" cock of yours is all
hard right now, even though you cummed right in the middle of that
story, right?!? And you sluts. I bet you need a mop
to go with those paper towels.
Did you notice how my muse threw in a few of the other techniques I
mentioned already. It's just habit by now.
Hmmmm. I just realized ... that's a pretty good
story. Why don't you go take another snack break
and clean up from your massive beat off sessions while I think up a
title for it and get it posted.
OK, I'm back. That brings up the concept of selecting
titles. For that last one I used a time honored
favorite: "Judy's first time."
It made sense since, in the story, she was telling me about how she's
only got an 8" cunt that she'd never done it before either, and that
her name is Judy. For the official version that I posted I
put some extra stuff in there about how her nipples poked holes in her
shirt and her panties were all wet. Oh yeah, and that she was
panting. It made it a little long, but I covered that by
putting the "slow" code on it.
But, like that title, your titles need to have as little imagination as
possible. "Me and Mom" is a good example. That's so
you can make the reader just crazy insane to see what the story might
be about. I mean everybody has a Mom, right? So
they'll be thinking that maybe it's you and THEIR
mom. "Cindy's Sixteenth Birthday" is another
example. Almost everybody knows some girl named Cindy, so
they're on board from the very beginning, thinking you know the same
Cindy and got lucky with her, even though they didn't. And if
you're having trouble thinking up a title, just go on Literotica and
use one of the titles that's there. They list the identical
ones all together, which is nice for seeing which titles are the most
unimaginative and popular.
3. The next part of writing really bad porn that I'll talk
about in this lesson is a combination of the things that amount to the
presentation of your story to the public. We've already
mentioned the title, so I won't go into that again.
But you also need what's called a "teaser" and some
codes. The teaser is where you have a little
synopsis to tease the reader into opening your
story. Like for "Cindy's Sixteenth Birthday" you
might write a teaser like this:
Cindy turns sweet sixteen and gets a really big, long, hard present!!!
That will make almost everybody open your story, so they can see what
that big present was. Maybe it was a baseball bat and she'll
stick it up her cunt!
Of course you can go the mysterious route, and not put any teaser at
all. I once saw a story titled "Phyllis" and there was no
teaser, and the only code listed was "M/F." Let me tell you
the mystery of that one had me on pins and needles until I was able to
get that story open and start reading it. Phyllis only had
32AA cup tits, though, so I quit reading, cause I'm a tit man and I was
looking for something with at least 34Bs in it, you know? I
forget who wrote that one, but if you did and you're reading this, just
do an edit and give Phyllis a pair of knockers like the front bumper of
a '56 Buick and I'll give the story another try. I still
wonder what happened to Phyllis sometimes.
The thing about codes is that it can give away the surprise ending to
your story. Like if you do a story titled "My Hot
Sister" and then put in the inc (incest) code, everybody and their
sister is going to know that you get it on with your sister in the
story, and maybe that's supposed to be a big surprise. So
it's OK to leave that code out in that case. And if you
really want to surprise your readers, leave out the anal code too, and
the rape code from where the football players all pull a train on her
because it's her sixteenth birthday and she's never been butt fucked
before. But she likes it in the end. No pun
intended there.
I used to try to put all the applicable codes in when I first started
writing, but I got a complaint one time about one of my stories that
had a whole bunch of codes in it. The guy who wrote said that
by the time he got finished reading the codes, it was past his bedtime
and he didn't get any of the story read that night.
So go light on the codes if you want people to actually read your
really bad erotica. The exception, of course, is when you
post something valuable like this guide. In a scholastic
effort like this one, you should always be precise about the
codes. That's why I coded this guide "drunk/drugged," because
people might not actually be able to tell that I was wasted on my ass
while I wrote it.
4. The last thing I want to mention may seem strange to you,
because it has to do with not offending the religious right in your
audience. I don't mean that they're religious and they're
correct. I mean they believe in things on the far right of
the political religious spectrum.
Now I know some of you are saying right now "Why do I care about a
bunch of religious freaks? I'm writing porn here!"
Take a breath here, because while this may seem counter intuitive (that
means 'hard to believe' for you GED types) I'm here to tell you that
the religious right is probably more than half of your readership.
Now you're saying "Say what?!?"
And I'm saying "It's TRUE! Let me explain!"
And you're saying ...
Well, we all know what we're saying, so let me just go on.
The fact is that they take polls all the time that clearly show that
between 75 and 80% of all respondents claim they are affiliated with
organized religion. That means, basically, that they're
Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Hindu. It's actually probably
higher than that, but we don't know because Buddhists don't answer
questions in polls. They're too busy contemplating their
navels. If I left anybody out, it wasn't on purpose. You can
send me hate mail if it makes you feel better. The religious
right excells in writing hate mail, and I treasure every one I get.
Anyway, then these pollsters waited a month or something like that and
went back to the same people with a different polling guy. He
didn't mention religion at all. All he did was ask people if,
during the last thirty days, they had intentionally accessed porn on
the internet. And he promised their answers would remain
anonymous. 72% of them admitted they download porn on
purpose. Sixty-something percent admitted they do it
regularly, which means once a week or more.
So what that means is that 72% of the 75-80% of the population that is
affiliated with organized religion, also intentionally download porn.
OK, so I'm no good at statistics, but you can take it to the bank that
a LOT of religious nuts are going to be reading your
masterpiece. So you need to know about one of the kinks those
religious nuts have. It's called prayer. Most of
them do that, no matter what branch of religiousness they adhere to.
And when they pray, they address their deity. I'm only going
to talk about the Christians here, because it would get kind of drawn
out if I went with the equal opportunity thing. And I have a
sneaking suspicion that God is God, no matter what you call him, you
know?
Anyway, the Christians have basically two forms of address when they
talk to their deity. Those are "God" and "Jesus." I
know that the Catholics pray to just about everybody under the sun, but
they always ask whoever they're praying to, to have a word with God or
Jesus, so it's kind of the same thing.
So the point is that you need to sprinkle your dialogue with as many
references to the deities as possible, so as to attract the attention
of this vast audience. While you are writing about things
that, in public, they scream are disgusting and perverted, be sure to
have your characters say things like "Jesus fucking Christ on a crutch,
suck me harder!" If that seems a little fancy, just "Oh God!
Suck me harder." Or "Jesus, Baby, you're sucking the whole thing!" may
do the trick. If it's a woman just substitute "fuck" for
"suck" and it will still work. After all, they couldn't
possibly be so stupid as to think you mean those things
LITERALLY. I mean why would Jesus even need
crutches? Oh yeah ... those holes in his feet. What
was I thinking?
But you don't actually mean you want God to fuck you, or that Jesus is
sucking the whole thing, even though that's how they're phrased. And
all those "Oh God!" sentences aren't actually the character addressing
God and saying "Look at what I'm doing, God!" And do you
think it really IS possible that when Mr. Jenkins, the middle school
teacher is fucking little seventh grade Heather on his desk at school
and he moans "This is Heaven!!!" that he thinks that really COULD be
what Heaven will be like?
No, of course not. I mean if you really meant all that stuff
that way you'd probably get struck by lightning or ... even worse ...
you might have to live under one of those Republican govenments or
something. I mean THAT's what Hell must really be like, right?
Anyway, back to sprinkling your porn with words like God and Jesus, and
sentences that, taken literally, sound like the beginnings of
prayers. Surely that won't be a squick to the majority of
your readership. In fact, I bet most of them really love
seeing the address of God and Jesus in there, because they love
thinking about God and Jesus, so you should remind them that God and
Jesus are watching them read porn so they can repent later and be saved
again from their sin. No way will they click away from it
because they actually think it's blasphemy or it distracts them and
makes them feel guilty, or something stupid like that. I mean
people like that wouldn't read dirty stories in the first place,
right? Everybody knows those people are all perfect just
because they say they're Christians.
And while you're at it, don't be a fucking bigot either. God
and Jesus aren't the only deities out there, you know. Let's
have a little equal opportunity. Throw in an "Oh Allah! Fuck
me harder!" or a "Vishnu damn it that feels good!" every once in a
while. Instead of "Jesus fucking Christ!" why not "Mohammed
fucking prophet!" When that one guy selling that one brush
sees that woman's one titty fall out of that robe, he can say "Moses!"
instead of "Jesus!"
It makes just as much sense and will make you stand out in the
originality department.
It might also build your readership of Jews and Muslims and Hindu
folks. Just don't upload any naked pictures with your
story. If a Muslim sees a picture of a naked woman he has to
commit suicide. I saw that on the internet, so it must be
true, and the last thing you want to do is kill off your readers.
That's about it. I guess, in summing up, I'd say that all you
really need to write super bad erotica is a total lack of imagination
and originality, along with the willingness to be as tasteless as
humanly possible, and ignore the fact that you have no writing skills,
and a limited vocabulary. If you can do all that then you're
a natural for this.
And if you think I'm lying, just go open the first ten stories you come
to at any porn site anywhere on the net. (Let's just not open
any Lubrican stories for this, OK?) I guarantee you that at least eight
of them will be really bad. You'll see the techniques I
talked about in this tutorial too.
And then you can stop stroking that twelve inch, Coke can sized cock
and start using your fingers to write erotica that will put you on the
road to fame and femdom.
And if you're wondering why I was willing to share all these secrets,
and thereby possibly create a whole shit-pot of competition for my
readers ... well ... I have faith in myself. I KNOW how bad I
am. Bring it on, sucker. Do your worst.
I'll leave your twelve inch cock dragging in the dirt, futhermucker.
Write on!
Bob
The End
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