A Treatise On Masturbation

by Beating Off Bob

Editorial Comment: This story was written at a time when the pen name the author used was "Beating Off Bob". Some of you may remember that name. For others, it will seem odd, or foreign. But that's the name he started writing under. He chose that name, back then, because he wrote what he thought of as stroke stories, and his name fit with that. Later, when he began to write longer and more involved romances, he changed his name. But, because of the content, Beating Off Bob is the name that should go with this story, so it has been left that way.

Author's Comment: This treatise received the expert, scholarly editorial attention of Miss Stormy Weather, to whom I am indebted. Were it polite to suggest that she is one worth Pulling the Pud for, I would, for she is indeed a jewel. Of course, it's not polite to talk that way about a lady ... so of course I won't.

Hi folks, Beating Off Bob here. I've been made aware by some that my pen name, which is, I admit, a rather base and crude name, is somewhat "off putting" to those of you with a delicate nature. But there's a reason I chose that name.

You see, pretty near everybody masturbates at one time or another in his or her life. It usually happens the very first time when something feels good and we want it to keep feeling good. It's kind of a natural way to feel good.

I mean, think about it. We don't bang our thumbs with a hammer on a routine basis. That doesn't feel good. It's not natural. Everybody scratches, or yawns or stretches. It's just natural ... and it feels good. It's the same thing with Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears. It just feels good. And it's a good way to Get in Touch with Yourself and ... you know ... Discover Your Own Potential.

But people don't like to talk about masturbation. And worse still, people don't THINK about how complicated it is, or how important it can be to do it right.

So I decided to write down some thoughts, so that, the next time you contemplate Wrestling the Bald-headed Champ (if you're a guy) or Paddling the Pink Canoe (for you gals), you can do a better job at it.

As my primary pen name suggests, I am not inexperienced with the concept of Battling the Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger that I was born with. A penis is an interesting thing. Women tell me that, which is understandable, but it's pretty interesting to the owner too.

There are basically two kinds, and that means that when you plan on Charming the Cobra, you have to pay attention to which kind you have. If your parents participated in the time honored ritual of having you circumcised, you can Chafe the Weasel if you're not careful. A little lubrication goes a long way toward Changing Your Oil without Leaving Skid Marks on the Pink Panther.

In the Other Hand, you have your just plain generic prick, with all the original upholstery in good condition, and Buffing the Banana in that situation doesn't Strain the Peel at all. As a matter of fact, if you have undamaged goods, too much oil can be a very bad thing when Engaging in Friction Therapy.

Just a quick word about acceptable lube for those who need it. When Launching the Tadpoles, don't be a cheap ass and just spit in your hand. If you're going to be Greasing the Flagpole, at least take a little pride in what you put in your hand.

Now, once you've decided to Mind Your Own Business, and, if necessary, have acquired the needed lube to Operate the Pump Action Porridge Gun, then technique comes into play.

It's not necessary to Beat Your Meat Like it Owes you Money. Anybody can Flog the Log, Spank the Monkey or Perform An Assault On a Friendly Weapon. And that will, in truth, Drop your Drips. But masturbating with style ... that's the actual destination here.

And speaking of destinations, don't sneak outside at night so your parents or wife won't hear you when you Blow Your Own Horn. Hosing Down the Driveway ... in the actual driveway ... is not cool. If old lady Franklin happens to look out her window while you're in the act of Performing Diagnostics On Your ManTool, she'll have you Applying the Hand Brake in the back of Officer Branson's squad car.

No, if you're going to be Arguing With Henry Longfellow, it's best to do it inside, where Aiding and Abetting a Known Felon won't get you thrown in the clink. They don't Arm-wrestle the Purple-headed Stormtrooper in jail. They Pack Fudge instead, and believe me, you don't want to be in the candy making business when you could be having A Big Date with Mrs. Palmer and her Five Daughters back in your nice warm bedroom. Of course you can always go to the boy's room and Caulk the Cracks in the bathroom tile too.

OK, we have our lube, if needed, and we've chosen an appropriate place to Practice Arm Aerobics. We've decided not to Battle the Purple-helmeted Warrior and are, instead, going to Be Our Own Best Friend. Approach the task at hand as if you were Shakin' Hands With Little Richard. A nice firm grip telegraphs confidence. You don't want to give it one of those limp wristed half grabs that suggest that you're Shakin' Hands With the Unemployed.

Not too tight now. We don't want to Choke the Chicken. You want to be more tuned to Being a Virtuoso of the Skin Flute as you perform with your One Man Band. Think of it as An Organ Solo, if you will.

OK, start nice and slow, like you're Dancing with Rosey Palm. Nice long strokes will Put the Blush on your Cheeks for your Date with Palmala Handerson. You needn't be too serious about it. Lighten up and have fun Playing Peekaboo with your Baby Maker. Don't be alarmed if, while you Charm the One-eyed Snake you begin to feel a little light headed. Love does that to you, and by now you're definitely Having Sex with Someone you Really Love.

For those of you who are Jousting the Hooded Knight, your foreskin will provide all the stimulation needed to Burp the Baby. If you are one whose parents had the doctor flay the excess weight off your dong, then you may want to take the time to Buff the Mushroom and Fondle the Fig. That should result in Clearing Your Snorkel quite nicely.

What you think about while you are Belaboring the Obvious can be just as important. A good fantasy goes a long way toward Going for the Gold.

There is no "right" or "wrong" fantasy, just in case you're wondering. For instance, some people, as they Wax the Carrot, think of food. It's not hard, while Washing the Meat, to think about Manufacturing Mayo, or Tickling the Pickle, or maybe Bunning Your Hot Dog while you Whip Up Some Sour Cream. I know a favorite fantasy of one of my heftier friends, while he is Fist Kebabing, is to think of Churning Butter.

Or, if you're the geeky type, high tech may be the way to successfully Debug Your System while Downloading From Your Own Website. For such as them, Booting Up the Hard Drive and Beta Testing Your Hardware is a satisfying way to conduct business while Running in Single-user Mode.

And then, there are you sports nuts out there who are always ready to Play a Little Five-on-one while you Get Your Boys Ready For the Playoffs. You guys, especially, need to heed the warning about safety. Some of you aren't as young as you used to be, and Putting the Seminal Luge Team Through Their Paces while you are Getting Your Exercise may result in Getting Tennis Elbow. For you older guys, I recommend Using the ol' 1 Wood instead for A Little Miniature Golf session.

Maybe thinking about movies while you Give the Half-blind Dog a Run For His Money would be titillating. The Star Wars type movies are full of interesting images that may Take Captain Picard to Warp Speed while Tinkering with the R2 Unit. After you Test-fire the Death Star, you can Ignite the Lightsaber and set about Freeing the Hostages.

Take your time while Helping Put Mr. Kleenex's Kids Through College. There's no hurry. Life is short, and pleasures are few. Taking the time to Give the One-eyed Field Mouse with the Purple Turtle-neck Sweater a Hot-butter Noogie can be the high point of your otherwise dreary day. And remember that, in the heat of battle, Hand-to-gland Combat may Keep the Census Down, but Badgering the Witness will only lead to Much Goo About Nothing.

Lastly, don't wait too long between episodes of Getting Your Palm Read by Mister Softee. All that does is build up tension. Take Peewee On an Adventure often. Taking Little Johnny Dancing Down at Knuckle Junction, and Shaking Hands with Your Wife's Best Friend will keep you calm, relaxed and generally genial.

Oh ... speaking of wives. Save a little for her. There have been divorces over leaving the cap off the toothpaste. If you Squeeze the Toothpaste in the Middle of the Tube too often, she may end up Playing Couch Hockey for One or Spending a Night with the Girls instead of cuddling up to you.

So there you have it. Take it seriously. It's serious business.

And whatever you do ... don't use those cutesy little demeaning names for Whipping Skippy.

Just Masturbate, OK?

The End