A Treatise On Female Masturbation
After I wrote "A Treatise on Masturbation" the response was
Well ... perhaps "academically well received" is the better
OK, OK. Forty-seven people read it, and only half of them laughed.
But of the 23.5 people who did laugh, one of them was named Ron, and
he demanded that the females of the world be represented in a future ... um
... scholarly work.
Well ... perhaps it is more accurate to say he suggested that the girls
might feel left out.
OK, OK. he actually said: "How about a Treatise on Petting The Pink
But I'm quite sure Ron is concerned about the feelings of our feminine
partners, and not just slavering at the thought of what's going on when a
woman spends A Night In With The Girls.
In any case, my scholarly curiosity was piqued by his suggestion.
Well ... perhaps it was more that I'm an amateur student of etymology that
caused me to delve into words and phrases that represent a woman Going
On Automatic Pilot.
OK, OK. I get just as excited as the next guy when I think about the
subject under consideration. And, since the first treatise did default
to the consideration of masturbation as it pertains to males, (I'm a guy,
ergo I'm sexist - or so women tell me,) it seemed only fair to Take A
Look At The Female Side Of Things.
In any case, I did the research, which was both interesting and
illuminating, and I thought the forty-seven of you might want to have a
balanced view of things. To that end, I enlisted the aid of Peaches, my
editor, who is all female (down boys, she's taken) and who laughed
so hard I knew I had amazed her with my erudite reflections on the intricacies
of Doing The One Handed Mambo. Her muttered comment "You can't
be serious, Bob," convinced me I was on the right track. I'm quite
sure her concern was only because I'm making public what women probably
want to remain veiled. Kind of like the secrets of the Masons, you know?
So, with no further ado, here it is.
As everyone knows, men and women are different. It should
not, therefore, surprise the student of Onanism to find that masturbation
differs between men and women. More to the issue, the point of
masturbation differs between the male and female of the species.
For men, the process is to pursue the science of Ejactology, which you
won't find in any dictionary, but which means, loosely: Spewing as much and
as often as possible."
With women, the point is not to eject body fluids (though, as a side
effect, such is reported to be quite a happy thing,) but rather to arrive
at a plateau of joy and passion that is difficult to achieve when a partner
is involved. More to the point, female masturbation is a sport that may be
engaged in, literally, for an hour or more at a time.
Men are mountain climbers. They rush up the mountain side, bellow to the
world that they have conquered, and then collapse and roll back down while
trying to smoke a cigarette.
Women don't seek the top of the mountain, with the possible exception of Summiting
Mount Baldie, for those who shave their naughty part. Rather, most seek
the flat expanse of the butte, where, once there, they can stroll around,
viewing the world from slightly different vantage points, have umpteen
orgasms and still have plenty of energy to skip back down, when they're
done, to where the man is drinking beer and watching football on TV.
Women like to make it last, which is why female masturbation is so popular,
even if women have significant others. With a man involved it is, quite
often "Wham, bam, thank you Ma'am." Not so when a woman Tiptoes
Through The TwoLips on top of that butte. This was alluded to in the
song: "She-bopping With Your Baby All Night Long."
There are also cultural differences between the sexes when Coming Into Your
References to the male practice tend to involve words like
"Battle." Historically that fits. Men went out and hunted, while
the women stayed back in the cave and cooked and raised the kids. This is
not to say that such cultural stereotypes should still be the rule. It may,
however, explain why there are so many references to cooking, in euphemisms
for female masturbation.
While Jack (later to adopt the surname 'Off') was out hunting wooly
mammoths, Jill stayed back home, preparing a Clam Bake For One.
Technology, not being very far along yet, restricted her somewhat. She
could Search The Cabbage Patch for something to eat, taking time to Pet
The Petunia growing among the edible things. If she found something, it
gave her the opportunity to Make Soup. Those who lived along a coast
had the advantage of being able to Spear The Bearded Clam and Fish
For The Pearl, so she could Steam The Oyster. There were
dangers, of course. Women learned that Abusing The Anemone might
cause them to end up with sore fingers, if they weren't careful.
For those removed from the coast, they might avail themselves of fruit.
Women became adept at Squeezing The Peach, to see if it was ripe. If
she found a nice ripe one it was a thing of beauty. She'd want to Polish
The Peach, before consuming it, Searching For The Peach Pit
carefully, so as not to break a tooth. Dentistry, of course, hadn't popped
into anybody's mind yet. Only later would Drilling The Hole, at
least in a tooth, occur to someone. Playing With Her Pineapple was
less dangerous, and was popular where those grew. In the tropics Peeling
The Miniature Banana was a fairly routine kind of thing.
You might think that women got bored, while the men were out being men. But
all that time alone gave women the chance to engage in Fingering
Something Out. Er ... figuring something out, is what I meant.
For instance, it was women who first thought up the idea of domesticating
animals. It probably started with Coaxing The Turtle Out Of Her Shell.
Maybe some woman found an injured animal and cared for it. It's possible
that, while Brushing The Beaver, one day, a woman saw what beavers
did with wood and got the idea for houses, which would improve things. If
they lived in houses, women wouldn't have to Search The Alcove all
the time to see if anything had moved in while she was out. Groping The
Grotto also led to sore fingers sometimes. And, once people became
nomadic, it was very important to Clean Between The Camel's Toes. If
you forgot to Search For Pebbles In Your Camel Toe you could have
the equivalent of a flat tire, so to speak.
It could be that a woman found an orphaned infant animal one day and
started Petting the Pink Puppy or Buffing The Weasel. Maybe
it was a feline and she found herself Petting The Pink Kitty that
Ron was talking about or Making The Kitty Purr. If that happened,
though, you can be sure she found out that Taming The Tigress, when
it grew up, was a very energetic kind of process. Historians generally
agree that it was women who domesticated dogs, though. One of the earliest
of written records documents how a woman was Looking For The Dog.
This was known by her words, recorded as: "Gee-Spot! There you Are!"
As time passed, and technology improved, it was possible for a woman to Preheat
The Oven while she was Kneading The Dough and then Rolling
The Dough. Baking, married with women's already developed gathering
skills, led to some tasty treats. Having domesticated cows by then, a woman
could Churn The Butter so she could then Butter Her Bagel,
and end up Having A Finger Licking Good Snack. If she could Raid
The Honey Pot it was even better. And, if she got tired of bagels, she
could Buff Her Muffin instead. Even later, of course, she could Examine
The Hole In Her Donut.
And, as technology marched on, if she wasn't Defrosting The Freezer
or Getting The Last Pickle Out Of The Jar, she might be Polishing
The Peanut while she was Making Gravy, which would be used after
Tenderizing Her Y-Bone Steak, or Cooking The Meat Curtains.
And she no longer had to live near the coast to be able to Baste Her
Tuna, if she preferred seafood.
Vegetables went with the meat, of course. Whether it was something as
simple as Tossing A Pink Salad or Tenderizing The Artichoke,
she was sure to provide hubby with a good meal after his hard day. And she
didn't have to Search The Bramble Patch any more to get good
vegetables either, which gave her time to have a little fun with food too,
like Flicking The Bean Around.
Let's not leave out our Hispanic friends since, along the southern border,
there was a lot of intermingling of cultures. It was common along the
border to Do The Two Finger Taco Tango, or Tickle The Taco,
in preparation for Warming The Enchilada when her man got home.
Dessert! I almost forgot dessert! It was essential to Make Whipped Cream
before Slicing Your Pie. If pie wasn't her thing, she could always Stir
The Cake Batter. And, when there just wasn't time to prepare a formal
dessert, she could always Get Into The Cookie Jar. If the cookies
were a bit stale, Soaking The Whiskered Biscuit would soften it up.
A little of that whipped cream or something from the honey pot would then
make for a delightful end to a good meal. Of course these days desserts are
much richer. If you're watching your waistline you may want to think about Having
A Banana-less Split. Be sure to Check The Cherry on top. Checking
For Freshness is a must.
And, if hubby came home unexpectedly for lunch, a woman could always let
him Put Mayo On Her Vertical Bacon Sandwich. Then, if he left her
high and dry, That slippery mayo would help with Nulling The Void.
The downside of all this time doing domestic chores was that women spent a
lot of time Cleaning The Kitchen, of course.
But time marches on, and things generally improve, and it wasn't long
before women had enough labor-saving devices at their beck and call that
they could indulge in some activities other than simply being a domestic
creature. Sports, for example. Fitness is important, especially to a woman
who wants to retain her girlish figure.
In the old days, exercising might have simply consisted of Carpet
Bumping, as a woman did some pushups or something. Nowadays, she can Spend
Some Time Working Out At The Y, which is always good for Checking
Women have become adept at practicing team sports while alone. Going For
The Three Point Shot is a good example. Scoring The Hoop is just
as much fun as Sliding Into Home. And you can always Practice
Playing Goalie by Engaging in Couch Hockey For One. And girls,
pay no attention to men who call that "Pussy Soccer."
Remember, it was the man who left you Having To Finish The Job in
the first place. Just tell him you can recognize bullshit when you hear it,
because you've been Riding In The Bed Post Rodeo for years.
Now, if you're into running, or like the outdoors, but it's raining, have
no fear. You can Have Your Fingers Run the Slippery Slit Relay
indoors. For those of you who are shaved, you may call that Playing On
The Slip And Slide. If running seems to call for too much energy, just Let
Your Fingers Do The Walking. Believe it or not, you can Go Hiking
With The Girl Scouts without ever leaving the house! Yup, you can spend
time Strolling Around The Hood, Taking A Walk Through The Park or Walking
Downtown and do it all in the comfort of your own home.
Pretty slick ... huh? You bet it is. The slicker, the better.
Now, when it stops raining, and you want to get some fresh air, there are a
plethora of outdoor activities you can Get Personally Involved in.
One popular pastime is Playing Tennis Without Balls. If you're in
good shape already, Digging A Foxhole or Digging A Trench is
a good workout. And if it's still a little damp from that rain, then Letting
Your Fingers Mud Wrestle is a lot of fun. If getting dirty isn't your
thing, then maybe Riding The Unicycle is for you. That's also good
training for Flagpole Sitting, which will have you in prime shape
when your man shows up and you get to Rest On The Old Fence Post.
Of course you need to work up to vigorous exercise like that. You may want
to start with a little Solo Spelunking, which is a little less
energetic, if you take your time. And, while there's very little exercise
benefit from it, Fishing Without A Pole will still get you out in
the fresh air. You don't even need any bait, since Fishing Without A
Worm is sometimes even more successful than Fishing with A
Worm. If your adventurous you might take up golf though, until you get
some experience you'll probably be Going For The Double Bogey for a
Finally, for you girls who like the water there's a raft (sorry about the
bad pun there) of things you can pursue.
Waxing The Canoe will get you ready for Paddling The Pink Canoe
and Shooting The Rapids. If you want a more leisurely trip, or some
company while you exercise, you can Play With The Man In The Boat
while you're Traversing The Bermuda Triangle. Of course, if boats
aren't your thing, just go Surfing While The Tide Comes In.
In any case, if you overdo it, always be ready for Dialing The Rotary
Phone, in case you need to call an ambulance.
Now, another thing that's evolved, as technology evolved and made women's
lives a little better is hygiene. In the fifties and sixties, Madge taught
you about Soaking Your Fingers In Palmolive, which was a prelude to Doing
Your Nails. It was also good for Softening Up Your Calluses and Washing
Your Fingers. Then all the hair care products hit the scene, making it
much easier to Brush Your Afro, Groom Your Briar Patch and even Clean
Your Fur Coat. Maybelline came out with the slogan "Maybe she was
born with it ... maybe it's Maybelline," which had women Applying
Lip Gloss all over the country. For those of you on tighter budgets,
you can Check Your Chapstick instead. So whenever it comes time to Pamper
Your Best Friend, enjoy the modern products your ancestor sisters never
There's no sense Beating Around The Bush. Women have come a long way
and are no longer dependent on men for every little thing. Women are fully
capable of Baiting The Wolf Trap, or even Baiting The Bear Trap
these days, to say nothing of Beating The Beaver and Checking For
Squirrels. And let's face it. Men can be a pain. They're so needy, you
So, if you're thinking of Leaving Men Out Of It, and Engaging In
Birth Control, feel free to Have Casual Sex With Someone You Trust.
For once you can Go Bareback Safely and Have Sex Without
Complications. It's a little like Having A Bank Holiday. You
know ... no deposits accepted. Of course that means you won't be Checking
Your Safety Deposit Box, but you can always do that tomorrow.
And speaking of doing without men, women have made great strides in
learning to take care of many maintenance issues around the house. Whether
it's Caulking The Crack, Checking The Oil, Sweeping The Chimney,
Unclogging Your Own Drain, Searching For The Hole In Your Bucket, or
simply Using The Self Service Pump, you're perfectly capable of Fixing
Things Without A Handyman. You can Get To The Root Of The Problem,
even if it's something as complicated as Reweaving The Carpet or Doing
Maintenance On The Village Bike, which is a really nice thing to do, if
everybody in town rides it. Plugging The Dike is even within your
capabilities. This is not to be confused with Plugging The Dyke,
unless, by chance, you are one.
And don't quail at Erasing The Problem with the computer. Checking
The Status Of The I/O Port is something you can do quite easily. You
may have to Go On Manual Override, and it may require Double
Clicking Your Mouse, but you can do it. Before long you'll be Making
Mario Jump all over again, or Playing Guitar Hero, if that's
Don't just settle for housework like Cleaning Out The Junk Drawer or
Dusting The End Table. That's all your ancestors did. Becoming
More Independent will help you Deal With That Empty Feeling and
help you Enjoy Feminine Actualization. Knuckling Under and Working
Up Some Elbow Grease will help you Get A Feeling Of Accomplishment.
And you don't need a man to protect you in many cases either. You can Slap
The Bitch Around Yourself. It's just like Burping The Baby ...
except you do it lots harder.
But I digress. We're supposed to be talking about masturbation here, not
cooking, and exercise and all that stuff. You're looking for good
The first thing I need to stress is that masturbation isn't dirty. You've
heard some of the derogatory terms for it, like Counting Cunts, Cunt
Cuddling, Dressing The Old Axe Wound, or maybe Gouging The Gash.
Those are all base and unseemly kinds of descriptions, no doubt created by
prissy people who say masturbating is wrong, and then secretly do it.
There's nothing wrong with Getting To Know Yourself and experiencing
masturbatory pleasure. And you don't have to be all serious about it either
and call it something like Genital Stimulation Via Phalangetic Motion,
or Inducing Amrita (female ejaculation.)
Instead, have some fun with it. You can Audition The Finger Puppets,
for instance. I know one woman who calls it "Hee-Haw With the
Wrinkled Mee-Maw," though I have to tell you I have no freakin'
idea where she got that one. Still, it's kind of cute.
In any case, The Virgin's Release should be something happy and
enjoyable, like Driving Ms. Daisy. After all, you're Having Sex
With The One Who Knows How To Please You The Most. You can enjoy The
Lady Finger's Delight while Checking For The Jackpot, or Practice
Doing The Magic Disappearing Finger Trick. Make it a festive
occurrence, like Enjoying A One Ring Circus, or Teasing The
Bearded Lady at the carnival.
And if you're musically inclined, then make masturbation a part of that
too. Without lessons, you may only be able to just Strum The Banjo
softly. With lessons you can Play Dueling Banjos Alone. And if
strings aren't your thing, then try Playing A Drum Solo, or Playing
The French Horn.
And since women need a little more stimulation than men to get to where
they want to be, masturbation can be a dandy way to Get Ready For A Date.
Going On A Quick Date before he gets there will have you primed for
his attentions later. And if he takes too long running into 7-11 for some
Boones Farm, not to worry. All you have to do is Play With The Electric
Door Locks, or Play With The Power Windows until he gets back.
But let's be honest. Masturbation is usually for those times when you are
man-less, whether it be for a short time, or an extended period. That may
be a good thing for some women, who prefer to Play With Mrs. Palm's Five
Daughters instead of putting up with a boyfriend.
However for you ladies who still like men, but find yourself without one
occasionally, Playing Solitaire is the only answer. Well, in the
interests of truth and honesty, you could become one of those village bikes
I mentioned, but that's not really an option that will enhance your
standing in the community. Going Solo may not be your first choice,
but Scratching Your Itch is better than sitting around Reading
The Map Of Tasmania, or Learning Braille, if you know what I
Yes, Rubbin' Stubby while Massaging The Muff is the best way
to Practice For Your Close-up while Waiting For The Real Deal To
Come Back Within Your Grasp. This is not to say that you're Settling
For Less. Masturbation can actually help you Make A Positive Change
In Your Life. You can learn a new trade while you do it, for example. Sending
Morse Code is a marketable skill, as are Touch Typing and Drilling
For Oil. You might be able to pick up a few dollars Playing Bumper
Pool. You might be able to get a job with the Corps of Engineers if you
have experience Bringing On A Flash Flood. And, of course, the nuclear
industry is always looking for people experienced at Pushing The Button,
though that should probably be a last resort, seeing as how it has serious
effects on the birth rate.
It's much better to seek a career in the entertainment industry, such as Pulling
Magic From The Wizard's Sleeve. Or you might audition for a part in the
next Indiana Jones movie, as an expert at Stirring Up The Snake Pit.
If you're adventurous, the Navy offers several opportunities, such as Checking
For Depth, or Putting The Navigator In The Cockpit. And, of
course there's the garden store route. If you're good at Tending Your
Own Garden, Airing The Orchid, or being able to just Wet Things Up
you might find a career there.
In conclusion ...
Hey! Nobody called for applause yet! What are you doing clapping and
yelling? It's rude to interrupt like that!
As I was saying ... in conclusion, masturbation should be an integral part
of your life. It enables you to Bring A Smile To Your Face on a
daily basis, and helps Moderate Your Hormones. In fact, it can be so
much fun you can Get Carried Away if you're not careful. So remember
... while Feeding Your Slot Machine may get your heart going a
little faster than you planned, you can always calm down by Rubbin' The
Nubbin gently. And if Titillating The Tunnel has gotten you
sweaty, you can always cool off by Channel Surfing Without The Remote
for a while. And if Circling The Indian has you whooping and
hollering, then relax a bit by Playing The Clitar softly for a
Jabberwocking deals with stress and enables your life to be much
more relaxed, so that when that special guy walks in the door, you're ready
for some serious loving.
Before I go, just a quick word to the guys.
Jack, listen to me. If you come home and hear someone Making Whore Moans,
only to find Jill's been Jillin', don't take that as an indication
that you can't satisfy her. You whack off regularly, and she should be able
to do the same thing. Be sensitive to her needs. Take her somewhere
romantic or interesting, and pay some attention to her. Learn a few new
phrases. "Nice tits, Baby" and "Man! What an ass!"
might be wearing a little thin as compliments. The last thing you want is
for her to go Taking A Tour Of The Grand Canyon by herself. Even
worse is her Giving Someone Else A Tour Of The Snake River Valley.
Pamper her a little. Make her feel special.
If you're lucky ... she might even invite you to a performance of Clitty
Clitty Bang Bang some night.
As Always, thanks for reading.
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