A Treatise On Female Masturbation
After I wrote "A Treatise on Masturbation" the response was phenomenal.
Well ... perhaps "academically well received" is the better phrase.
OK, OK. Forty-seven people read it, and only half of them
But of the 23.5 people who laughed, one of them was named Ron, and he
demanded that the females of the world be represented in a
future ... um ... scholarly work.
Well ... perhaps it is more accurate to say he suggested that the girls
might feel left out.
OK, OK. he actually said: "How about a Treatise on Petting The Pink
But I'm quite sure Ron is concerned about the feelings of our feminine
partners, and not just slavering at the thought of what's going on when
a woman spends A Night In With The Girls.
In any case, my scholarly curiosity was piqued by his suggestion.
Well ... perhaps it was more that I'm an amateur student of etymology
that caused me to delve into words and phrases that represent a woman
Going On Automatic Pilot.
OK, OK. I get just as excited as the next guy when I think
about the subject under consideration. And, since the first
treatise DID default to the consideration of masturbation as it
pertains to males, (I'm a guy, ergo I'm sexist - or so women tell me,)
it seemed only fair to Take A Look At The Female Side Of Things.
In any case, I did the research, which was both interesting and
illuminating, and I thought the forty-seven of you might want
to have a balanced view of things. To that end, I
enlisted the aid of Peaches, my editor, who is ALL female (down boys,
she's taken) and who laughed so hard I knew I had amazed her with my
erudite reflections on the inticacies of Doing The One Handed
Mamba. Her muttered comment "You can't be serious, Bob,"
convinced me I was on the right track. I'm quite sure her
concern was only because I'm making public what women probably want to
remain veiled. Kind of like the secrets of the Masons, you
So, with no further ado, here it is.
As everyone knows, men and women are different. It
should not, therefore, surprise the student of Onanism to find that
masturbation differs between men and women. More to the
issue, the POINT of masturbation differs between the male and female of
For men, the process is to pursue the science of Ejactology, which you
won't find in any dictionary, but which means, loosely: Spewing as much
and as often as possible."
With women, the point is not to eject body fluids (though, as a side
effect, such is reported to be quite a happy thing,) but rather to
arrive at a plateau of joy and passion that is difficult to achieve
when a partner is involved. More to the point,
female masturbation is a sport that may be engaged in, literally, for
an hour or more at a time.
Men are mountain climbers. They rush up the mountain side,
bellow to the world that they have conquered, and then collapse and
roll back down while trying to smoke a cigarette.
Women don't seek the top of the mountain, with the possible exception
of Summiting Mount Baldie, for those who shave their naughty
part. Rather, most seek the flat expanse of the
butte, where, once there, they can stroll around, viewing the world
from slightly different vantage points, have umpteen orgasms and still
have plenty of energy to skip back down, when they're done, to where
the man is drinking beer and watching football on TV.
Women like to make it last, which is why female masturbation is so
popular, even if women have boyfriends. With a man involved
it is, quite often "Wham, bam, thank you Ma'am." Not so when
a woman Tiptoes Through The TwoLips on top of that butte.
This was alluded to in the song: "Shebopping With Your Baby All Night
There are also cultural differences between the sexes when Coming Into
References to the male practice tend to involve words like
"Battle." Historically that fits. Men went out and
hunted, while the women stayed back in the cave and cooked and raised
the kids. This is not to say that such cultural stereotypes
should still be the rule. It may, however, explain
why there are so many references to cooking, in euphemisms for female
While Jack (later to adopt the surname 'Off') was out hunting wooly
mammoths, Jill stayed back home, preparing a Clam Bake For
One. Technology, not being very far along yet, restricted her
somewhat. She could Search The Cabbage Patch for something to
eat, taking time to Pet The Petunia growing among the edible
things. If she found something, it gave her the
opportunity to Make Soup. Those who lived along a coast had
the advantage of being able to Spear The Bearded Clam and Fish For The
Pearl, so she could Steam The Oyster. There were dangers, of
course. Women learned that Abusing The Anemone
might cause them to end up with sore fingers, if they weren't careful.
For those removed from the coast, they might avail themselves of
fruit. Women became adept at Squeezing The Peach, to see if
it was ripe. If she found a nice ripe one it was a
thing of beauty. She'd want to Polish The Peach, before
consuming it, Searching For The Peach Pit carefully, so as not to break
a tooth. Dentistry, of course, hadn't popped into
anybody's mind yet. Only later would Drilling The Hole, at
least in a tooth, occur to someone. Playing With
Her Pineapple was less dangerous, and was popular where those
grew. In the tropics Peeling The Miniature Banana was a
fairly routine kind of thing.
You might think that women got bored, while the men were out being
men. But all that time alone gave women the chance to engage
in Fingering Something Out. Er ... FIGURING
something out, is what I meant.
For instance, it was women who first thought up the idea of
domesticating animals. It probably started with Coaxing The
Turtle Out Of Her Shell. Maybe some woman found an
injured animal and cared for it. It's
possible that, while Brushing The Beaver, one day, a woman saw what
beavers did with wood and got the idea for houses, which would improve
things. If they lived in houses, women wouldn't
have to Search The Alcove all the time to see if anything had moved in
while she was out. Groping The Grotto also led to
sore fingers sometimes. And, once people became nomadic, it
was very important to Clean Between The Camel's Toes. If you
forgot to Search For Pebbles In Your Camel Toe you could have the
equivalent of a flat tire, so to speak.
It could be that a woman found an orphaned infant animal one day and
started Petting the Pink Puppy or Buffing The
Weasel. Maybe it was a feline and she
found herself Petting The Pink Kitty that Ron was talking about or
Making The Kitty Purr. If that happened, though,
you can be sure she found out that Taming The Tigress, when it grew up,
was a very energetic kind of process. Historians
generally agree that it was women who domesticated dogs,
though. One of the earliest of written records documents how
a woman was Looking For The Dog. This was known by
her words, recorded as: "Gee-Spot! There you Are!"
As time passed, and technology improved, it was possible for a woman to
Preheat The Oven while she was Kneading The Dough and then Rolling The
Dough. Baking, married with women's already developed
gathering skills, led to some tasty treats. Having
domesticated cows by then, a woman could Churn The Butter so she could
then Butter Her Bagel, and end up Having A Finger Licking Good
Snack. If she could Raid The Honey Pot it was even
better. And, if she got tired of bagels, she could
Buff Her Muffin instead. Even later, of course, she could
Examine The Hole In Her Donut.
And, as technology marched on, if she wasn't Defrosting The Freezer or
Getting The Last Pickle Out Of The Jar, she might be Polishing The
Peanut while she was Making Gravy, which would be used after
Tenderizing Her Y-Bone Steak, or Cooking The Meat Curtains.
And she no longer had to live near the coast to be able to Baste Her
Tuna, if she preferred seafood.
Vegetables went with the meat, of course. Whether it was
something as simple as Tossing A Pink Salad or Tenderizing The
Artichoke, she was sure to provide hubby with a good meal after his
hard day. And she didn't have to Search The Bramble Patch any
more to get good vegetables either, which gave her time to have a
little fun with food too, like Flicking The Bean Around.
Let's not leave out our Hispanic friends since, along the southern
border, there was a lot of intermingling of
cultures. It was common along the border
to do the Two Finger Taco Tango, or Tickle The Taco, in preparation for
Warming The Enchilada when her man got home.
Dessert! I almost forgot dessert! It was
essential to Make Whipped Cream before Slicing Your Pie. If
pie wasn't her thing, she could always Stir The Cake
Batter. And, when there just wasn't time to prepare
a formal dessert, she could always Get Into The Cookie Jar.
If the cookies were a bit stale, Soaking The Whiskered Biscuit would
soften it up. A little of that whipped cream or something
from the honey pot would then make for a delightful end to a good
meal. Of course these days desserts are much
richer. If you're watching your waistline you may
want to think about Having A Banana-less Split. Be sure to
Check The Cherry on top. Checking For Freshness is a must.
And, if hubby came home unexpectedly for lunch, a woman could always
let him Put Mayo On Her Vertical Bacon Sandwich. Then, if he
left her high and dry, That slippery mayo would help with Nulling The
The downside of all this time doing domestic chores was that women
spent a lot of time Cleaning The Kitchen, of course.
But time marches on, and things generally improve, and it wasn't long
before women had enough labor saving devices at their beck and call
that they could indulge in some activities other than simply being a
domestic creature. Sports, for
example. Fitness is important, especially to a
woman who wants to retain her girlish figure.
In the old days, exercising might have simply consisted of Carpet
Bumping, as a woman did some pushups or something. Nowadays,
she can Spend Some Time Working Out At The Y, which is always good for
Checking Your Pulse.
Women have become adept at practicing team sports while
alone. Going For The Three Point Shot is a good
example. Scoring The Hoop is just as much fun as Sliding Into
Home. And you can always Practice Playing Goalie by Engaging
in Couch Hockey For One. And girls, pay no attention to men
who call that "Pussy Soccer." Remember, it was the
man who left you Having To Finish The Job in the first
place. Just tell him you can recognize bullshit
when you hear it, because you've been Riding In The Bed Post Rodeo for
Now, if you're into running, or like the outdoors, but it's raining,
have no fear. You can Have Your Fingers Run the Slippery Slit
Relay indoors. For those of you who are shaved, you may call
that Playing On The Slip And Slide. If running seems to call
for too much energy, just Let Your Fingers Do The
Walking. Believe it or not, you can Go Hiking With
The Girl Scouts without ever leaving the house!
Yup, you can spend time Strolling Around The Hood, Taking A Walk
Through The Park or Walking Downtown and do it all in the comfort of
your own home.
Pretty slick ... huh? You bet it is. The
slicker, the better.
Now, when it stops raining, and you want to get some fresh air, there
are a plethora of outdoor activities you can Get Personally Involved
in. One popular pastime is Playing Tennis Without
Balls. If you're in good shape already, Digging A
Foxhole or Digging A Trench is a good workout. And if it's
still a little damp from that rain, then Letting Your Fingers Mud
Wrestle is a lot of fun. If getting dirty isn't your thing,
then maybe Riding The Unicycle is for you. That's also good
training for Flagpole Sitting, which will have you in prime shape when
your man shows up and you get to Rest On The Old Fence Post.
Of course you need to work up to vigorous exercise like that.
You may want to start with a little Solo Spelunking, which is a little
less energetic, if you take your time. And, while
there's very little exercise benefit from it, Fishing Without A Pole
will still get you out in the fresh air. You don't even need
any bait, since Fishing Without A Worm is sometimes even more
successful than Fishing WITH A Worm. If your adventurous you might take
up golf though, until you get some experience you'll probably be Going
For The Double Bogey for a while.
Finally, for you girls who like the water there's a raft (sorry about
the bad pun there) of things you can pursue.
Waxing The Canoe will get you ready for Paddling The Pink Canoe and
Shooting The Rapids. If you want a more leisurely trip, or
some company while you exercise, you can Play With The Man In The Boat
while you're Traversing The Bermuda Triangle. Of course, if
boats aren't your thing, just go Surfing While The Tide Comes In.
In any case, if you overdo it, always be ready for Dialing The Rotary
Phone, in case you need to call an ambulance.
Now, another thing that's evolved, as technology evolved and made
women's lives a little better is hygiene. In the fifties and
sixties, Madge taught you about Soaking Your Fingers In Palmolive,
which was a prelude to Doing Your Nails. It was also good for
Softening Up Your Calluses and Washing Your Fingers. Then all
the hair care products hit the scene, making it much easier to Brush
Your Afro, Groom Your Briar Patch and even Clean Your Fur
Coat. Maybelline came out with the slogan "Maybe she was born
with it ... maybe it's Mabelline," which had women Applying Lip Gloss
all over the country. For those of you on tighter budgets,
you can Check Your Chapstick instead. So whenever
it comes time to Pamper Your Best Friend, enjoy the modern products
your ancestor sisters never had.
There's no sense Beating Around The Bush. Women have come a
long way and are no longer dependent on men for every little
thing. Women are fully capable of Baiting The Wolf Trap, or
even Baiting The Bear Trap these days, to say nothing of Beating The
Beaver and Checking For Squirrels. And let's face
it. Men can be a pain. They're so needy, you know?
So, if you're thinking of Leaving Men Out Of It, and Engaging In Birth
Control, feel free to Have Casual Sex With Someone You Trust.
For once you can Go Bareback Safely and Have Sex Without
Complications. It's a little like Having A Bank
Holiday. You know ... no deposits accepted. Of
course that means you won't be Checking Your Safety Deposit Box, but
you can always do that tomorrow.
And speaking of doing without men, women have made great strides in
learning to take care of many maintenance issues around the
house. Whether it's Caulking The Crack, Checking The Oil,
Sweeping The Chimney, Unclogging Your Own Drain, Searching For The Hole
In Your Bucket, or simply Using The Self Service Pump, you're perfectly
capable of Fixing Things Without A Handyman. You can Get To
The Root Of The Problem, even if it's something as complicated as
Reweaving The Carpet or Doing Maintenance On The Village Bike, which is
a really nice thing to do, since everybody in town rides
it. Plugging The Dike is even within your
capabilities. This is not to be confused with
Plugging The Dyke, unless, by chance, you are one.
And don't quail at Erasing The Problem with the computer.
Checking The Status Of The I/O Port is something you can do quite
easily. You may have to Go On Manual Override, and it may
require Double Clicking Your Mouse, but you can do
it. Before long you'll be Making Mario Jump all
over again, or Playing Guitar Hero, if that's your thing.
Don't just settle for housework like Cleaning Out The Junk Drawer or
Dusting The End Table. That's all your ancestors
did. Becoming More Independant will help you Deal With That
Empty Feeling and help you Enjoy Feminine Actualization.
Knuckling Under and Working Up Some Elbow Grease will help you Get A
Feeling Of Accomplishment.
And you don't need a man to protect you in many cases
either. You can Slap The Bitch Around
Yourself. It's just like Burping The Baby
... except you do it lots harder.
But I digress. We're supposed to be talking about
masturbation here, not cooking, and exercise and all that
stuff. You're looking for good
The first thing I need to stress is that masturbation isn't
dirty. You've heard some of the derogatory terms
for it, like Counting Cunts, Cunt Cuddling, Dressing The Old Axe Wound,
or maybe Gouging The Gash. Those are all base and
unseemly kinds of descriptions, no doubt created by prissy people who
say masturbating is wrong, and then secretly do it.
There's nothing wrong with Getting To Know Yourself and experiencing
masturbatory pleasure. And you don't have to be all serious
about it either and call it something like Genital Stimulation Via
Phalangetic Motion, or Inducing Amrita (female ejaculation.)
Instead, have some fun with it. You can Audition The Finger
Puppets, for instance. I know one woman who calls it "Hee-Haw
With the Wrinkled Mee-Maw," though I have to tell you I have no
freakin' idea where she got that one. Still, it's kind of
In any case, The Virgin's Release should be something happy and
enjoyable, like Driving Ms. Daisy. After all, you're Having
Sex With The One Who Knows How To Please You The
Most. You can enjoy The Lady Finger's Delight while
Checking For The Jackpot, or Practice Doing The Magic Disappearing
Finger Trick. Make it a festive occurrence, like
Enjoying A One Ring Circus, or Teasing The Bearded Lady at the carnival.
And if you're musically inclined, then make masturbation a part of that
too. Without lessons, you may only be able to just Strum The
Banjo softly. With lessons you can Play Dueling Banjos
Alone. And if strings aren't your thing, then try Playing A
Drum Solo, or Playing The French Horn.
And since women need a little more stimulation than men to get to where
they want to be, masturbation can be a dandy way to Get Ready For A
Date. Going On A Quick Date before he gets there will have
you primed for his attentions later. And
if he takes too long running into 7-11 for some Boones Farm, not to
worry. All you have to do is Play With The Electric Door
Locks, or Play With The Power Windows until he gets back.
But let's be honest. Masturbation is usually for those times
when you are manless, whether it be for a short time, or an extended
period. That may be a good thing for some women,
who prefer to Play With Mrs. Palm's Five Daughters instead of putting
up with a boyfriend.
However for you ladies who still like men, but find yourself without
one occasionally, Playing Solitaire is the only answer. Well,
in the interests of truth and honesty, you could become one of those
village bikes I mentioned, but that's not really an option that will
enhance your standing in the community. Going Solo may not be
your first choice, but Scratching Your Itch is better than sitting
around Reading The Map Of Tasmania, or Learning Braille, if you know
what I mean.
Yes, Rubbin' Stubby while Massaging The Muff is the best way to
Practice For Your Close-up while Waiting For The Real Deal To Come Back
Within Your Grasp. This is not to say that you're Settling
For Less. Masturbation can actually help you Make A Positive
Change In Your Life. You can learn a new trade
while you do it, for example. Sending Morse Code is a
marketable skill, as is Touch Typing and Drilling For Oil.
You might be able to pick up a few dollars Playing Bumper
Pool. You might be able to get a job with the Corps of
Engineers if you have experience Bringing On A Flash Flood.
And, of course, the nuclear industry is always looking for people
experienced at Pushing The Button, though that should probably be a
last resort, seeing as how it has serious effects on the birth rate.
It's much better to seek a career in the entertainment industry, such
as Pulling Magic From The Wizard's Sleeve. Or you might
audition for a part in the next Indiana Jones movie, as an expert at
Stirring Up The Snake Pit. If you're adventurous,
the Navy offers several opportunities, such as Checking For Depth, or
Putting The Navigator In The Cockpit. And, of
course there's the garden store route. If you're good at
Tending Your Own Garden, Airing The Orchid, or being able to just Wet
Things Up you might find a career there.
In conclusion ...
Hey! Nobody called for applause yet! What are you
doing clapping and yelling? It's rude to interrupt like that!
As I was saying ... in conclusion, masturbation should be an integral
part of your life. It enables you to Bring A Smile To Your
Face on a daily basis, and helps Moderate Your
Hormones. In fact, it can be so much fun you can
Get Carried Away if you're not careful.
So remember ... while Feeding Your Slot Machine may get your heart
going a little faster than you planned, you can always calm down by
Rubbin' The Nubbin gently. And if Titillating The Tunnel has
gotten you sweaty, you can always cool off by Channel Surfing Without
The Remote for a while. And if Circling The Indian has you
whooping and hollering, then relax a bit by Playing The Clitar softly
for a while.
Jabberwocking deals with stress and enables your life to be much more
relaxed, so that when that special guy walks in the door, you're ready
for some serious loving.
Before I go, just a quick word to the guys.
Jack, listen to me. If you come home and hear someone Making
Whore Moans, only to find Jill's been Jillin', don't take that as an
indication that you can't satisfy her. You whack off
regularly, and she should be able to do the same thing. Be
sensitive to her needs. Take her somewhere romantic or
interesting, and pay some attention to her. Learn a few new
phrases. "Nice tits, Baby" and "Man! What an ass!" might be
wearing a little thin as compliments. The last thing you want
is for her to go Taking A Tour Of The Grand Canyon by
herself. Even worse is her Giving Someone Else A
Tour Of The Snake River Valley. Pamper her a
little. Make her feel special.
If you're lucky ... she might even invite you to a performance of
Clitty Clitty Bang Bang some night.
As Always, thanks for reading.
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